MOCpages : Share your LEGO® creations
LEGO models my own creation MOCpages toys shop i BrickHolidays
Welcome to the world's greatest LEGO fan community!
Explore cool creations, share your own, and have lots of fun together.  ~  It's all free!
Conversation »
Jokes and Puns #3
Join to comment
 Group admin 
Jokes and Puns 3! If you haven't seen some of the jokes from before, be sure to check them out sometime! Here is the link to Jokes and Puns 2:
http://www.mocpages.com/group_conversation.php?id=21963&topicid=90622


Big thanks to Nate Andrews for the majority of the jokes that he posted. Here is a link to his homepage.
http://www.mocpages.com/home.php/15776
Permalink
| November 14, 2013, 8:15 pm
Quoting David FNJ

Big thanks to Nate Andrews for the majority of the jokes that he posted.
I try. :'D

Permalink
| November 15, 2013, 6:21 pm
This is a long one, so get ready.


There once was a young boy who liked to visit a popular book store in town and read for hours on end. He did this regularly for a long time, until the day came when he had read every single book the store had that was of interest to him. He went to the man who owned the store and asked him if there was anything... ANYTHING else interesting that he possibly hadn't read yet. The store owner looked both ways to make sure nobody else was listening, and then very quietly whispered to the boy, "There's one more book I have that you might like, but it's a large, scary collection of stories about ghosts, monsters, and urban legends. Interested?" The boy replied, "Yes! Can I take a look?" Again, the store owner looked both ways, and then reached under the counter and pulled out a huge book with a leather cover, and on the front in big, red capital letters, was the word, "DEATH". The store owner then said, "It's also very old, and very, VERY rare, so I can't let it go for anything less than fifty dollars. You can also return it if you don't like it." The boy thought for a moment, and then said, "Okay, I'll take it!" He gave the man fifty dollars and started to leave, when the store owner said, "Oh, one more thing... NEVER read the inside of the front cover! You can read every other page in the book, but never, NEVER the inside of the front cover, or death will quickly come to you." With a puzzled look on his face, the boy nodded and said, "Okay." and left the store carrying the thick "DEATH" book. Over the next several days, he read many different scary, creepy, and weird stories, starting from the front of book and working his way to the back. As he got further and further along, the stories became more and more terrifying, and more and more, he wondered why the owner of the book store had warned him not to read the inside of the front cover. There finally came a night when he was trying to read a particularly scary story, and couldn't stop thinking about the inside of the front cover, and what might be there that the store owner didn't what him to see. Overcome by his curiosity, he flipped back to the front cover and pulled off the tape that was holding the title page over it so he couldn't see the inside. After taking a deep breath, he flipped the title page back, and when he saw the inside of the front cover, he instantly began screaming at the top of his lungs. He slammed the book down on the floor, and jumped out of the window of his second story bedroom and fell to his death in the yard below. Why? Because on the inside of the front cover, he had found....

An MSRP sticker for $4.99.




And you thought I was writing a serious story.
Permalink
| November 15, 2013, 7:08 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
And you thought I was writing a serious story.

Haha, that is a good one!
Permalink
| November 15, 2013, 7:53 pm
Quoting David FNJ
Here is the link to Jokes and Puns 2:
http://www.mocpages.com/group_conversation.php?id=21963&topicid=90622

I had so many good jokes there. Time to start anew.
Permalink
| November 15, 2013, 7:54 pm
A game warden catches a man at the lake with an ice chest full of fish during the off-season. He says to the man, "Hey, you're not supposed to be catching fish from the lake this time of the year!" The man opens the ice chest and says to the game warden, "I ain't catchin' 'em. These are actually my pet fish. Sometimes I bring 'em out here in my ice chest and let 'em swim around with the other fish. After a while, I'll put the ice chest in the water and call 'em back, and then they swim back in and we all go home." The game warden says, "That's crazy talk! You'd better prove it before I give you a VERY large fine!" The man says "Okay, watch this." and dumps all of the fish back into the lake. The fish swim away, and after a few minutes, the game warden says to the man, "Okay, time's up. Call them back." The man asks, "Call who back?" The game warden says, "The fish!" and the man asks, "What fish?"
Permalink
| November 16, 2013, 7:51 pm
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and other that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

Permalink
| November 17, 2013, 10:31 am
A boy is riding in a car with his father. "Rats. I just made an illegal left turn." Says the dad. "Don't worry, the police car behind you did the same thing." Says the son.
Permalink
| November 17, 2013, 2:44 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Adam Brunsting
A boy is riding in a car with his father. "Rats. I just made an illegal left turn." Says the dad. "Don't worry, the police car behind you did the same thing." Says the son.

Oh no! XP
Permalink
| November 17, 2013, 3:40 pm
Quoting Nate B.
Haha, that is a good one!
It's great for messing with your friends when you're swapping scary stories at a party, or around a campfire.

Permalink
| November 21, 2013, 3:21 pm
Did you hear Chuck Norris got shot?



The bullet's funeral is tomorrow.
Permalink
| November 21, 2013, 3:30 pm
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AN2Bx_LK2io
Permalink
| November 21, 2013, 3:37 pm
Chuck Norris got bitten by a very venomous snake. After three days of agony and pain, the snake died.
Permalink
| November 21, 2013, 3:40 pm
The newest prototype for the French tank has a five speed reverse.
Permalink
| November 21, 2013, 3:41 pm
A man went to his doctor. The man cried "My hair is falling out! Can you give me something to keep it in?" The doctor leaves for a minute, and returns with a box. "Will this be big enough?" Asks the doctor.
Permalink
| November 21, 2013, 3:45 pm
Chuck Norris sleeps with a nightlight. Not because he's afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of him. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttxpjV1e_XY
Permalink
| November 21, 2013, 3:48 pm
 Group moderator 
Quoting Adam Brunsting
A man went to his doctor. The man cried "My hair is falling out! Can you give me something to keep it in?" The doctor leaves for a minute, and returns with a box. "Will this be big enough?" Asks the doctor.

:]
Permalink
| November 21, 2013, 3:49 pm
Quoting ~ Brick
:]

:}
Permalink
| November 21, 2013, 3:50 pm
 Group moderator 
Quoting Adam Brunsting
:}

:-]
Permalink
| November 21, 2013, 3:52 pm
Quoting ~ Brick
:-]

: B
Permalink
| November 21, 2013, 3:55 pm
 Group moderator 
Quoting Adam Brunsting
: B

C:
END SPAMMING HERE.
Permalink
| November 21, 2013, 3:57 pm
Son: Mom, dad left for work without his glasses.
Mom: How do you know?
Son: The garage door is missing.
Permalink
| November 21, 2013, 3:59 pm
Quoting ~ Brick
C:
END SPAMMING HERE.
:(

Permalink
| November 21, 2013, 4:05 pm
We're having Wookiee steak tonight. It's a little chewy.
Permalink
| November 22, 2013, 12:33 pm
 Group moderator 
Quoting Stormjay Rider
We're having Wookiee steak tonight. It's a little chewy.

Haha, here's one...what happens when Han Solo breaks rules? He becomes Banned-Solo
*Classic drum noise*

Or...what place is named after Yoda? DaYoda! See what I did there...Dakota:D
*Classic drum noise*

How about this....What's Obi Wan's pet's name? Obi Wan Catnobia!
*Classic drum noise*

I'm a riot, aren't I:P
Permalink
| November 22, 2013, 12:43 pm
If a mime was walking alone through the forest and a tree fell on him, what would happen?
Permalink
| November 22, 2013, 6:05 pm
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown?
Permalink
| November 22, 2013, 6:06 pm
Here's another one that works both as a joke and as a creepy story.

A man is lost in the forest all by himself. It's getting late, and he knows it's going to be a cold night. He NEEDS to find shelter before nightfall. After wandering through the woods for several hours, he comes across an old abandoned cabin that obviously hasn't been lived in for several years. He stumbles inside and collapses on an old bed at the back of the cabin and falls asleep almost instantly. During the night, he wakes up and notices that on the walls around him, there's several vivid, lifelike portraits of rugged-looking mountain men with long, shaggy beards and primitive-looking outfits made from the hides of different animals. He notices the men in all of the portraits look rather angry, but he's too tired to care much about it any more. He shrugs and falls asleep again. The next morning, he wakes up feeling refreshed and ready to head back to civilization. He sits up, stretches, looks around, and suddenly sits very, very still where he is, frozen with fear. Then he jumps up and bolts out of the cabin, and never looks back. Why? Because he realized that there were no portraits surrounding him on the walls.

Only windows.

*lightning flashes*

*thunder rumbles*

*evil laughter*
Permalink
| November 24, 2013, 10:14 pm
A young cowboy is traveling out west on horseback in the late 1800's when he comes across an old indian with his ear to the ground. "2 wagon trains, 3 men on horseback, 1 herd of many cattle." says the indian. Amazed, the cowboy says, "That's incredible! You can tell all of that is coming just by putting your ear to the ground?!" Without getting up, the indian replies, "No. They ran over me ten minutes ago."
Permalink
| November 24, 2013, 10:34 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
A young cowboy is traveling out west on horseback in the late 1800's when he comes across an old indian with his ear to the ground. "2 wagon trains, 3 men on horseback, 1 herd of many cattle." says the indian. Amazed, the cowboy says, "That's incredible! You can tell all of that is coming just by putting your ear to the ground?!" Without getting up, the indian replies, "No. They ran over me ten minutes ago."

tee-hee!
Permalink
| November 25, 2013, 1:00 pm
Mohammed Ali was in an airplane flying to a boxing match. The airplane hit some turbulence, and the stewardess asked everyone to buckle their seatbelts. Mohammed Ali didn't buckle in. The stewardess asked him why he wouldn't buckle up. Ali said, "Superman don't need no seatbelt." The stewardess replied, "Superman don't need no airplane!"

And thanks for all the other LOLs guys, great fun!
Permalink
| November 25, 2013, 4:05 pm
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.

Permalink
| November 25, 2013, 7:41 pm
There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.

The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have to come with us."

The old man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.

The old man again replied, "God will save me." So the boat left him again.

An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.

Again the old man refused to leave stating that, "God will save him." So the boat left him again.

Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, "Why didn't you save me?"

God replied, "You dummy! I tried. I sent three boats after you!!"

Permalink
| November 25, 2013, 7:42 pm
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his beautiful, blond, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I've got mail!"
Permalink
| November 25, 2013, 7:43 pm
This cartoon is called "Jesus Saves."

http://cdn-2.cleanjoke.com/images/410x393xjesussaves.jpg.pagespeed.ic.xT7GaGYKYJ.jpg
Permalink
| November 25, 2013, 7:44 pm
Get ready for a long one:

There was a nice lady, a minister's widow, who was a little old fashioned. She was planning a week's vacation in California at Skylake Yosemite campground (Bass Lake, to the uninitiated), but she wanted to make sure of the accommodations first. Uppermost in her mind were bathroom facilities, but she couldn't bring herself to write "toilet" in a letter. After considerable deliberation, she settled on "bathroom commode," but when she wrote that down, it still sounded too forward, so, after the first page of her letter, she referred to the bathroom commode as "BC." "Does the cabin where I will be staying have its own 'BC'? If not, where is the 'BC' located?" is what she actually wrote.

The campground owner took the first page of the letter and the lady's check and gave it to his secretary. He put the remainder of the letter on the desk of the senior member of his staff without noticing that the staffer would have no way of knowing what "BC" meant. Then the owner went off to town to run some errands.

The staff member came in after lunch, found the letter, and was baffled by the euphemism, so he showed the letter around to several counselors, but they couldn't decipher it either. The staff member's wife, who knew that the lady was the widow of a famous Baptist preacher, was sure that it must be a question about the local Baptist Church. "Of course," the first staffer exclaimed, "'BC' stands for 'Baptist Church.' " And he sat down and wrote:

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure in informing you that the BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the 'BC.'

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks. Remember, this is a friendly community."
Permalink
| November 25, 2013, 7:46 pm
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.

She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep!
Permalink
| November 25, 2013, 7:48 pm
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.'


I'm almost done.
Permalink
| November 25, 2013, 7:49 pm
A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife.

She rushed in and said, "What is it, honey?"

He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort.

He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left.

The wife was curious, so she asked, "What are you doing, honey?"

"I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted.
Permalink
| November 25, 2013, 7:50 pm
If a black bear tries to attack you, wave your arms in the air and scream as loud as you can.

If a grizzly bear tries to attack you, lay on the ground and pretend you're dead.

If a polar bear tries to attack you, hand him a pair of sunglasses and a Coke.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-4-gLlF0uw
Permalink
| November 25, 2013, 9:22 pm
Two Spartans walk into a bar. They see a AI at the counter. One Spartan says "go get her!"
The other Spartan replies "I could never like her, her personality is too "SIMULATED AND TRANSPARENT!"

oh, i am a genius!
Permalink
| November 26, 2013, 2:06 am
In the olden days, when a soldier ran out of bullets, he would attack with his b*tt.
Permalink
| November 26, 2013, 8:18 pm
Quoting Charlie A
A panda walks into a bar. He eats, shoots, and leaves.

You read that book too? My favorite was: Get gas here, get gas, here
Permalink
| November 27, 2013, 7:09 am
 Group moderator 
The robber's favorite punctuation mark is the period because it marks the end of a sentence.

Minecraft was made in Nether-lands.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

-----
Story Joke: In math class a student was studying about circles, and had a homework assignment about finding circumferences. It was so hard, the next day the teacher asked: "Why did you fail to do your homework?" The student replied: "I ate too much pi and got sick."

The next day they learned about square roots, and the student failed to do his homework because: "i forgot that it was the square root of -1."

The third day they studied slopes of linear equations. When the student got to a question about undefined slope, he said he failed to do his homework because: "I had to divide by 0 and the police came, then the police dog ate my paper."
Permalink
| November 28, 2013, 12:27 pm
 Group moderator 
DOCTOR DOCTOR TOP 5:

#5.
"Doctor, doctor, I think I lost my memory."
"When did this happen?"
"What?"

#4.
"Doctor, doctor, the hundred-pace snake just bit me."
"Go to the emergency room yourself. It's 101 footsteps away."

#3.
"Doctor, doctor, what is the quickest way to the hospital?"
"Leave this building and lie on the road."

#2.
"Doctor, doctor, I have 59 seconds to live."
"Sorry, I am severely busy. Give me a minute!"

#1.
"Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pig."
"When did you first get these symptoms?"
"Sometime last weeeeek."
Permalink
| November 28, 2013, 12:39 pm
It's been clinically proven that you'll believe anything as long as somebody says it's been clinically proven.

A recent study shows that you can say anything as long as you say it's part of a recent study.


I came to these conclusions after viewing countless stup!d annoying TV commercials.
Permalink
| December 1, 2013, 12:15 am
I was on my way to see a waterfall in the hills of South Carolina with my cousin. We were on a dirt trail in the woods when we came to a sign that said, "No alcoholic beverages allowed. No hunting or fishing allowed. No climbing on rocks allowed. No swimming allowed." Below all of that, somebody had scratched into the sign, "No fun allowed."
Permalink
| December 2, 2013, 4:15 pm
 Group admin 
Pickup line:
If you were a cheeto, you'd be a hot cheeto
Permalink
| December 2, 2013, 4:35 pm
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?




Because if it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan.
Permalink
| December 2, 2013, 7:46 pm
Would you enjoy baked goods as much if they were called "baked regulars"?
Permalink
| December 2, 2013, 7:48 pm
Quoting Michael K.
Pickup line:
If you were a cheeto, you'd be a hot cheeto

That reminds me of something I heard about likening a girl to a Little Caesar's pizza.

That's all the information you need to guess the punchline.
Permalink
| December 2, 2013, 7:59 pm
Theres the line "Girl, youre like a pizza at a chinese buffet. you look good, but youre not really what I came here for."
Permalink
| December 2, 2013, 8:53 pm
Quoting JWG 258
Theres the line "Girl, youre like a pizza at a chinese buffet. you look good, but youre not really what I came here for."

He he he.
Permalink
| December 2, 2013, 8:55 pm
 Group admin 
Someone forwarded me this

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina
Dog chow for my loyal pet, Genni the wonder dog. Was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in The hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in the intensive care ward with tubes coming out of me and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a Poodle's' butt and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in The World to think of crazy things to say.
Permalink
| December 5, 2013, 4:39 pm
Diapers and politicians should be changed often. Both for the same reason.
Permalink
| December 5, 2013, 10:32 pm
A lawyer was going over some insurance claims with a farmer who had been in a terribIe accident. The farmer had been heading into town when an out-of-control truck collided with his horse and wagon. The lawyer asked the farmer, "Is it true that when the sheriff arrived on the scene, you told him you'd never felt better in your life? Weren't you laying in the road with several broken bones?" The farmer said, "Yes, that's true. My horse had two broken legs and was obviously suffering. So the sheriff put his pistol to my horse's ear and put him out of his misery. My dog had a broken back from the accident and was on the ground whimpering in pain. So the sheriff put his gun to my dog's ear and did the same. Then he came over to me and asked, "Now, how are YOU feeling?"
Permalink
| December 6, 2013, 3:20 am
 Group admin 
If you've ever seen old wartime posters warning citizens to beware of the enemy spies, you'll enjoy this. https://plus.google.com/u/0/photos/+DavidSarachman/albums/5954255335107723921/5954255341156661458
Permalink
| December 6, 2013, 4:23 pm
NEVER put an Ozzy Osbourne tape into a Teddy Ruxpin. Seriously. Nightmares.
Permalink
| December 7, 2013, 2:00 pm
A clerk at a pharmacy looks up to see a man come in with a bad cough. He starts to ask the man if he can help him, but then the phone rings in the office. So he turns to the pharmacist behind the counter and says, "I've got to go answer the phone. Get this guy something to help with his cough while I'm gone." The clerk comes back a few minutes later to find the man leaning heavily against the wall with a strange look on his face. He says to the pharmacist, "I told you to help him with his cough. What did you give him?!" The pharmacist says, "We're all out of cough syrup, so I gave him a bottle of laxative instead." Shocked, the clerk replies, "YOU IDI@T!! You can't stop a cough with laxative!" With a smile, the pharmacist says, "Sure you can! Look at him. He's afraid to cough!"
Permalink
| December 8, 2013, 2:33 pm
A blind man walks into a pharmacy and starts to knock stuff off of the shelves with his cane. A clerk asks the man, "Can I help you with anything, sir?" The blind man replies, "Nope. Just lookin'." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-4-gLlF0uw
Permalink
| December 8, 2013, 2:36 pm
In Washington, D.C. . an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital and was well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see President Obama and Senator Reid before I die," whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to The President and Congress and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Harry Reid would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Reid, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our public image." Reid agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Obama's hand in his right hand and Reid's hand in his left hand.. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face..

Finally President Obama spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after Jesus, our Lord and Savior."

"Amen", said Obama. "Amen", said Reid.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."
Permalink
| December 9, 2013, 10:50 pm
Doctor Doctor, I get a pain in my eye whenever I drink hot-chocolate
"Take the spoon out."

Doctor Doctor, I don't feel very well
"Look out the window, roll your eyes and stick out your tongue."
Will it help?
"No, but I don't like my neighbours either."
Permalink
| December 11, 2013, 12:03 pm
Why do they call it a "Teacher Work Day" when it means teachers aren't doing their line of work, which is teaching?
Permalink
| December 11, 2013, 1:26 pm
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AN2Bx_LK2io
Permalink
| December 13, 2013, 7:08 pm
 Group moderator 
Quoting Nate Andrews

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."

Let's try not to go into politics, okay Nate?
Permalink
| December 13, 2013, 7:32 pm
Quoting ~ Brick
Let's try not to go into politics, okay Nate?
http://www.jpeghost.ru/i2/000/036/i36245bt.png

Permalink
| December 13, 2013, 11:33 pm
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttxpjV1e_XY
Permalink
| December 13, 2013, 11:36 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting ~ Brick
Let's try not to go into politics, okay Nate?

They're fine with me, you can tell liberal jokes if you want.
Permalink
| December 14, 2013, 9:38 pm
 Group moderator 
Quoting Michael K.
They're fine with me, you can tell liberal jokes if you want.

It probably states somewhere in MP law not to do it, but you're an admin so whatever.
Permalink
| December 14, 2013, 9:42 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting ~ Brick
It probably states somewhere in MP law not to do it, but you're an admin so whatever.

Political campaigning isn't allowed, as in "Hey, go vote for _____." Sean knows, for example, about our debate club group, he's even been by there.
Permalink
| December 14, 2013, 9:50 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Michael K.
They're fine with me, you can tell liberal jokes if you want.

Of course if Nate insulted Republicans you wouldn't be fine with it -.-
Permalink
| December 14, 2013, 9:51 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Halhi 141
Of course if Nate insulted Republicans you wouldn't be fine with it -.-

Read earlier, I just said you could make jokes for liberals if you want. I'm an admin for the IFOL Debate Club, I haven't censored anyone.
Permalink
| December 14, 2013, 9:53 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Michael K.
Read earlier, I just said you could make jokes for liberals if you want. I'm an admin for the IFOL Debate Club, I haven't censored anyone.

Nvm, I misread your comment. (I was joking BTW :P)
Permalink
| December 14, 2013, 9:55 pm
This group used to be extremely active, I guess I will play me necromancer again.

Now count back from 100 without including 69, 23, 11.5, and 5.75, 2.375, 1.1875..
Permalink
| December 15, 2013, 1:58 am
Also, It's not like I know a whole bunch of political jokes, but if you guys are sure they're okay...
Permalink
| December 15, 2013, 8:41 am
 Group admin 
Quoting Nate Andrews
At Christmas, do dyslexic kids write letters to Satan?

Quoting sam the first
probably. or they write sear danta.


Not cool guys, let's not make fun of disabilities.
Permalink
| December 15, 2013, 9:20 am
Quoting Michael K.
Quoting sam the first
probably. or they write sear danta.


Not cool guys, let's not make fun of disabilities.

good point, very sorry.
Permalink
| December 15, 2013, 10:18 am
*facedesk* I used to be funny. That WAS NOT meant to be offensive or "make fun" in any way, just so everyone knows.
Permalink
| December 15, 2013, 9:17 pm
A cab driver pulls over for three guys on the sidewalk. As they're climbing into the car, he can tell right away that all three of them are very, very drunk. He doesn't want to be stuck in a car with three drunk guys, so after one of them tells him to head somewhere across town, he puts the car into gear, drives twenty feet, and stops again. He puts it into park and says to the three drunk guys, "We're here!" The first two guys thank the cab driver in drunken gibberish as they're getting out, but then the third guy slaps the cab driver right in the face. "What was THAT for?!" demands the driver. The drunk man replies, "For driving so FAST!"
Permalink
| December 15, 2013, 9:27 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews

Heh, nice!
Permalink
| December 15, 2013, 10:30 pm
Quoting Charlie A
Don't trust atoms, they make up everything

My dad would like that one :P
Permalink
| December 15, 2013, 10:30 pm
There are three types of people in the world. The ones who can count, and the ones who can't.
Permalink
| December 15, 2013, 10:31 pm
Quoting Nate B.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.

No THAT is good!
Permalink
| December 15, 2013, 10:38 pm
 Group moderator 
Quoting Caleb R.
There are three types of people in the world. The ones who can count, and the ones who can't.

*rimshot*
Permalink
| December 15, 2013, 10:40 pm
Quoting ~ Brick
*rimshot*

It wasn't THAT bad :P
Permalink
| December 15, 2013, 11:13 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
*facedesk* I used to be funny. That WAS NOT meant to be offensive or "make fun" in any way, just so everyone knows.

same here.
Permalink
| December 16, 2013, 12:44 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
A cab driver pulls over for three guys on the sidewalk. As they're climbing into the car, he can tell right away that all three of them are very, very drunk. He doesn't want to be stuck in a car with three drunk guys, so after one of them tells him to head somewhere across town, he puts the car into gear, drives twenty feet, and stops again. He puts it into park and says to the three drunk guys, "We're here!" The first two guys thank the cab driver in drunken gibberish as they're getting out, but then the third guy slaps the cab driver right in the face. "What was THAT for?!" demands the driver. The drunk man replies, "For driving so FAST!"

haha!! very good.
Permalink
| December 16, 2013, 12:46 pm
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AN2Bx_LK2io
Permalink
| December 16, 2013, 9:46 pm
Dad in bathroom: "OW!!! Hey, this isn't shaving cream!"

Kid decorating Christmas tree in living room: "Oh... And this isn't tree flocking."
Permalink
| December 17, 2013, 8:21 pm
Warning: This one's funny, but also slightly mean.

A drunk guy is standing in the checkout line at the store. The girl in front of him is buying all different kinds of makeup and hair products. He asks the girl, "Is all that stuff.. *hiccup*... for you?" With a smile, the girl replies, "Yes. How did you know?" The drunk man answers, "Cause you're ugly."

Aaaaand that's how the fight got started.
Permalink
| December 18, 2013, 12:44 am
Q: How can you tell Santa's not a redneck?

A: Cuz if he was, he woulda shot all the reindeer an' put 'em on the hood his truck.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-4-gLlF0uw
Permalink
| December 18, 2013, 12:51 am
Quoting Charlie A (offline for the holidays)
Death stares Chuck Norris in the face...

...and loses.


chuck norris once beat the sun to a starring contest.
Permalink
| December 18, 2013, 1:05 pm
During movies when somebody goes under water, I'll hold my breath to see if I would've survived. I almost died during Finding Nemo.
Permalink
| December 19, 2013, 1:08 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Nate Andrews
Warning: This one's funny, but also slightly mean.

A drunk guy is standing in the checkout line at the store. The girl in front of him is buying all different kinds of makeup and hair products. He asks the girl, "Is all that stuff.. *hiccup*... for you?" With a smile, the girl replies, "Yes. How did you know?" The drunk man answers, "Cause you're ugly."

Aaaaand that's how the fight got started.

I heard one the other day that goes, "The amount of alcohol it would take to make you pretty would kill me before I got there." Ouch...
Permalink
| December 19, 2013, 6:06 pm
Quoting sam the first

chuck norris once beat the sun to a starring contest.
Keanu Reeves once won a staring contest with a rock. It was really boring to watch.

Permalink
| December 20, 2013, 11:14 pm
 Group moderator 
This one comes from Bricknave.com:

Lego bricks on the table: Yay! Let's build!
Lego bricks on the floor: OUCH!
Permalink
| December 21, 2013, 9:55 pm
 Group moderator 
Read each sentence below out loud without paying attention to what you are reading.

This is this puzzle.
This is is puzzle.
This is how puzzle.
This is to puzzle.
This is confuse puzzle.
This is moc puzzle.
This is pagers puzzle.
This is for puzzle.
This is one puzzle.
This is minute puzzle.

Now go up and read the third word in each sentence.
Permalink
| December 21, 2013, 9:58 pm
Never judge a book by its movie.
Permalink
| December 22, 2013, 10:28 pm
 Group moderator 
I just noticed that this topic ID is my user ID (92688) + 2!

Now on some more jokes:

There were 3 abandoned buildings on fire. One was made out of wood, one out of stone, and one out of bricks. A passer-by called the ambulance, and when it came, which building did it put out first?

Answer: Ambulances do not put out fires!
Permalink
| December 22, 2013, 11:53 pm
 Group moderator 
This senttence has 3 misteaks in it.

What are they?

Hint:

Quoting Caleb R
There are three types of people in the world. The ones who can count, and the ones who can't.

Permalink
| December 22, 2013, 11:57 pm
There are four things in this world that I hate:

1. Lists.

2. Irony.

3. Counting.
Permalink
| December 24, 2013, 3:13 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
There are four things in this world that I hate:

1. Lists.

2. Irony.

3. Counting.

LOL
Permalink
| December 24, 2013, 3:15 pm
Q: How many North Koreans does it take to fire a missile?

A: Three. One to load it, one to launch it, and one to watch CNN to see where it landed.
Permalink
| December 24, 2013, 4:51 pm
 Group moderator 
Who is using Google's Santa Tracker? They say he is feeling magic.
Permalink
| December 24, 2013, 8:46 pm
Yo mama was so fat...

When she fell in love, she broke it.

When she wore red and went outside, little kids would ask her for Kool-Aid.

She filled up the tub.... and then turned on the water.
Permalink
| December 25, 2013, 9:02 pm
Two men are sitting next to each other at a bar on the top floor of a fancy hotel. One man says to the other, "I'm so upset about breaking up with my girlfriend, I could kill myself by jumping off of that balcony out there!" The other man replies, "It won't work. The updraft is so strong up here, if you jump off the balcony, you'll only fall for a short distance and then float back up." The first man says, "This is no time to joke! I'm in the middle of a major crisis here." The second man says, "I'm not joking. I'll prove it to you!" He finishes his drink, gets up from the bar, and steps out onto the balcony. He climbs up onto the handrail and jumps off, and sure enough, he only falls for a short distance, and then floats back up onto the balcony, landing perfectly on his feet like nothing happened. The first man is amazed. "That's incredible!" he says. "Now I've got to try it!" He climbs up onto the handrail, jumps, and fall hundreds of feet to his death. The second man walks back inside and sits down at the bar again. The bartender says to him, "You know, you're a real j*rk when you're drunk, Superman."
Permalink
| December 26, 2013, 12:23 am
 Group moderator 
Quoting Nate Andrews
The bartender says to him, "You know, you're a real j*rk when you're drunk, Superman."

1.Super man would never allow someone to die if they were innocent.

2.Do to Super Man's invulnerability to poison, I don't he could get drunk.

3. Why would a bar be on a top floor of a building? All the bums are on the streets.

4. Why would SuperMan even be in a bar?

5. How would the man that died, not recognize Superman? If he was dressed as Clark, how would the bar tender know he was SuperMan?

Permalink
| December 26, 2013, 12:34 am
Quoting ~ Brick
http://i.imgur.com/QPS3JGw.jpg
Permalink
| December 26, 2013, 4:07 pm
Quoting myself again because [insert creative excuse here]
Never judge a book by its movie.
And NEVER judge a movie by its official video game.

Permalink
| December 26, 2013, 5:24 pm
Two snowmen are making snow angels when one turns to the other and asks, "You realize we're rolling around in our own flesh, right?"
Permalink
| December 27, 2013, 7:50 pm
Okay, I've got a pretty good Chuck Norris joke: when Chuck Norris threw a grenade, there was a loud boom; then the grenade exploded. XD
Permalink
| December 28, 2013, 9:36 am
Alright, here's another: why was the scarecrow promoted?

...

He was outstanding in his field!

XD
Permalink
| December 28, 2013, 9:39 am
This is a joke I did make up (so it is probably terrible).

When Chuck Norris started running, the earth spun 1000x faster.


And here is one that I did not make up:


Come to the Dark Side (we have cookies).

Welcome to the Dark Side. Are you surprised we lied about having cookies?
Permalink
| December 28, 2013, 9:55 am
Quoting BrickBuilder7622 because he reminded me of this joke. Is that a good excuse?
Okay, I've got a pretty good Chuck Norris joke: when Chuck Norris threw a grenade, there was a loud boom; then the grenade exploded. XD
When Chuck Norris threw the grenade, it killed fifteen bad guys. And THEN it exploded. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttxpjV1e_XY

Permalink
| December 28, 2013, 6:55 pm
 Group moderator 
Quoting an admin if this thread was just a group
Quoting myself again because [insert creative excuse here]
Never judge a book by its movie.
And NEVER judge a movie by its official video game.


And never judge a video game by its characters.
Permalink
| December 28, 2013, 10:22 pm
 Group moderator 
Quoting all of you
Chuck Norris this, Chuck Norris that.


Honestly, who is he? And when will I need to know about him?
Permalink
| December 28, 2013, 10:25 pm
 Group admin 
What did the big bucket say to the small bucket?
You look a little pail!


What did the grape say when the elephant sat in it?
Nothing, it just let out a little whine.


Did you hear the one about the corduroy pillow?
It's making headlines!


What do you call a fish with no eye?
A fsh.


What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta!


What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can't tuna fish. :P
Permalink
| December 28, 2013, 11:27 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
Quoting BrickBuilder7622 because he reminded me of this joke. Is that a good excuse?
Okay, I've got a pretty good Chuck Norris joke: when Chuck Norris threw a grenade, there was a loud boom; then the grenade exploded. XD
When Chuck Norris threw the grenade, it killed fifteen bad guys. And THEN it exploded. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttxpjV1e_XY

Sorry about that, I had heard the joke second handed... :)
Permalink
| December 28, 2013, 11:29 pm
Quoting City Creator
Quoting all of you
Chuck Norris this, Chuck Norris that.


Honestly, who is he? And when will I need to know about him?

Oh, uh... Well, first off, he is an actor. He is considered one of the strongest men in the world, too. And although I have never seen one of his movies, I did hear some jokes about him. :)
Permalink
| December 28, 2013, 11:30 pm
Got this one from my grandfather.

Two sailors are on a destroyer, and one is terribly seasick. The healthy one asks, "Would you like to know a sure cure for seasickness?"

"Of course!" the sick sailor moans.

"Go sit under a cherry tree, and your seasickness will be gone immediately!"
Permalink
| December 28, 2013, 11:42 pm
I made this one up, and don't worry, it has nothing to do with Chuck Norris...

dozen = 12 of something

gross = 12 dozen (144 total) of something

Keeping that in mind, here is an interesting story.

A guy buys a gross (12 dozen) amount of doughnuts for his brothers and himself. We will refer to this guy as "Ted."

The next brother, who is a health fanatic, hates anything that is not healthy. We will refer to him as "Ned."

The third brother is kind of like Ned. He is "Jed."

*****
Ted: "Hey guys, look at all these doughnuts!"

Ned: "That is gross!"

Ted: "Wow, that's right! How could you tell?"

Ned: "What? Why did you buy them?"

Ted: "Because I like doughnuts."

Jed: "You just agreed they are gross."

Ted: "Yeah..."

Jed: "I would say they are nasty, actually."

Ted: "But doughnuts are delicious!"

Ned: "Look Ted, you said they were gross; are you trying to contradict yourself?"

Ted: "I bought a gross amount of doughnuts!!!"

Jed: "I couldn't agree more; that is an absolutely scandalous amount of doughnuts!"

Ned: "It is gluttonous to eat a gross amount of doughnuts."

Ted: "I was going to share them with you guys!"

Jed: "Even worse! You say they are gross, and then you want to share them with your brothers!"

So, you can see where this is going... :)
Permalink
| December 29, 2013, 1:05 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
During movies when somebody goes under water, I'll hold my breath to see if I would've survived. I almost died during Finding Nemo.

haha!! very clever!
Permalink
| December 29, 2013, 1:26 pm
Brace yourselves... "See you next year" jokes are coming.


But hopefully not to this thread.
Permalink
| December 29, 2013, 9:39 pm
There was a lot more traffic than usual one morning, and motorists were getting out of their car to see what was happening. Dave got out of his car and asked the motorist in front of him what was happening. The motorist replied, "I heard that a nut has hijacked a bus full of lawyers and is saying he'll douse it in gasoline and light it on fire if he doesn't get $10,000. See those men with buckets. They're collecting from each person."
Dave asked with concern, "How much is each person donating?"
The motorist replied, "About two gallons."
Permalink
| December 30, 2013, 12:57 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Ian .....
There was a lot more traffic than usual one morning, and motorists were getting out of their car to see what was happening. Dave got out of his car and asked the motorist in front of him what was happening. The motorist replied, "I heard that a nut has hijacked a bus full of lawyers and is saying he'll douse it in gasoline and light it on fire if he doesn't get $10,000. See those men with buckets. They're collecting from each person."
Dave asked with concern, "How much is each person donating?"
The motorist replied, "About two gallons."

HAAAAHAAAHAA
Permalink
| December 30, 2013, 2:23 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Thomas of Tortuga
Got this one from my grandfather.

Two sailors are on a destroyer, and one is terribly seasick. The healthy one asks, "Would you like to know a sure cure for seasickness?"

"Of course!" the sick sailor moans.

"Go sit under a cherry tree, and your seasickness will be gone immediately!"

I don't get it.
Permalink
| December 30, 2013, 2:24 pm
 Group admin 
Amusing video if you have the attention span... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNAPNN3cuHw
Permalink
| December 30, 2013, 2:24 pm
Quoting Michael K.
I don't get it.

Cherry trees never grow on ships. If you are off a ship and sitting under a cherry tree, you can't be seasick.
Permalink
| December 30, 2013, 3:40 pm
"Knock-knock."

"Who's there?"

"Interrupting sniper."

*awkward silence*

*is afraid to answer*
Permalink
| January 2, 2014, 12:16 am
Two kids were watching Looney Tunes when one turned to the other and asked, "Did you ever wonder what the Roadrunner's saying when they bleep him out?" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-4-gLlF0uw
Permalink
| January 2, 2014, 6:15 pm
 Group moderator 
Quoting Nate Andrews
Two kids were watching Looney Tunes when one turned to the other and asked, "Did you ever wonder what the Roadrunner's saying when they bleep him out?" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-4-gLlF0uw

That's funny.
Permalink
| January 2, 2014, 6:18 pm
I dropped my iPod in the ocean. Now it's syncing.
Permalink
| January 2, 2014, 9:04 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
I dropped my iPod in the ocean. Now it's syncing.

Great, great! That's a funny joke! :)
Permalink
| January 3, 2014, 10:36 am
there are 3 ninjas in this comment. your mission is to find them.
Permalink
| January 8, 2014, 1:19 pm
Quoting sam the first
there arNINJAe 3 ninjas in this commNINJAent. your mission is NINJAto find them.

Found them.
Permalink
| January 8, 2014, 1:28 pm
I used to have a talking parrot, but he never said, "I'm hungry." So he died. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-4-gLlF0uw
Permalink
| January 8, 2014, 6:19 pm
Q: What's the difference between death and taxes?

A: Death doesn't get worse every time congress meets.
Permalink
| January 9, 2014, 7:03 pm
Quoting Stormjay Rider
Found them.

how? you must be a ninja to be able to know where the other ninjas are. ninja-ception!
Permalink
| January 13, 2014, 12:26 pm
The best bumper stickers I've ever seen:

"If you smoke in my car, I'll throw your nasty b*tt out the window!"

On the back of an old, beaten up Volkswagen van: "Honk if you see parts falling off."

"If you can read this, I've lost my trailer."

"In the even of rapture, this car will swerve as my mother-in-law takes the wheel."

"Jesus is coming. Look busy."

"Driver carries no cash. Wife and kids have it all."

And my all-time favorite: "Blaming guns for killing people is like blaming spoons for making Rosie O'Donnell fat."
Permalink
| January 17, 2014, 1:49 pm
Who is the coolest aunt ever?

.....

Aunt-Arctica!
(get it, Antarctica?)
Permalink
| January 18, 2014, 8:32 am
Chocolate is made with cocoa.

Cocoa comes from a tree.

A tree is a plant.

Conclusion: Chocolate is a salad.
Permalink
| January 19, 2014, 10:07 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
Chocolate is made with cocoa.

Cocoa comes from a tree.

A tree is a plant.

Conclusion: Chocolate is a salad.

So true. I guess the same could be said about sugar from a sugar cane plant...
Permalink
| January 20, 2014, 4:49 pm
Physics joke incoming! Some may not get this joke. That's okay, we still think you're great.

We are pleased to report that physicists have embarked on their own product safety campaign, recommending that manufacturers provide consumers with all of the following labels:

WARNING: Due to its heavy mass, this product warps the space surrounding it. No health hazards are yet known to be associated with effect.

NOTE: This product may actually be nine-dimensional but, if this is the case, functionality is not affected by the extra six dimensions.

HEALTH WARNING: This product (and every product of the Manufacturer) emits low-level nuclear radiation.

NOTE: A subatomic "glue" holds the fundamental constituents of this product together. Since the exact nature of this glue is not yet fully understood, its adhesive power cannot be guaranteed. To date, no known malfunction of the product has resulted from glue failure.

DISCLAIMER: Manufacturer is not responsible for loss should this product disappear into a wormhole.

LIMITED WARRANTY: Despite the efforts of the Manufacturer, the chaos in this package has increased since being shipped. If such chaos has rendered the product defective, Buyer shall not hold Manufacturer responsible. Claims in this regard should be aimed directly at the Shipper.

NOTE: Despite its appearance, this product is more than 99.99% empty space.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING: According to quantum theory, this product may collapse into another state if directly observed.

HANDLE WITH CARE: This product contains countless, minute, electrically charged particles moving at extremely high speeds.

EXTREME CAUTION: This product has an energy-equivalent that, if exploded, could destroy a small town. Under no circumstance shall a User perform a mass-energy transformation on any of the contents in this package. In case of misuse, liability shall rest entirely with the User.

GUARANTEED RETURN CLAUSE: Because of the uncertainty principle, we have shipped this product with a limited speed notice. However, if shippers have disregarded our notice, we cannot guarantee that all the contents are in the box. If you discover missing components, please call the 1-800 number on the instruction sheet.

IMPORTANT: This product is composed of 100% matter: It is the responsibility of the User to make sure that it does not come in contact with antimatter. Under no circumstances will the Manufacturer be liable for User mishandling in this regard.

QUALITY STANDARD: The electrons, protons and neutrons are guaranteed to be of same quality as those used in other products of the Manufacturer.

DISAPPEARANCE EXCLUSION: Due to quantum tunneling, there is an extremely tiny chance that this product may suddenly disappear at any time (and reappear elsewhere). The Manufacturer will not be responsible for such mysterious disappearances.

AS REQUIRED BY LAW, we must inform you that any use of this product increases the amount of disorder in the universe. As of the date shipped, Congress has not passed any bills assigning a tax on disorder pollution.

USE LIMITATION: This product cannot be guaranteed to function normally near a black hole.
Permalink
| January 21, 2014, 10:17 pm
On a bad day, does Bill Gates feel like a million bucks?
Permalink
| January 23, 2014, 4:19 pm
The cast from the last movie you watched is up against the cast from the last TV show you watched. How epic is the battle?

For me, it's The Lone Ranger vs. the Alaska State Troopers. This'll be amazing.
Permalink
| January 23, 2014, 9:36 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
The cast from the last movie you watched is up against the cast from the last TV show you watched. How epic is the battle?

For me, it's The Lone Ranger vs. the Alaska State Troopers. This'll be amazing.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes vs. Pawn Stars O_o
I've heard something similar, Last two video games you played combined, How awesome is it?
Permalink
| January 23, 2014, 9:40 pm
Quoting Ian .....
Rise of the Planet of the Apes vs. Pawn Stars O_o
I've heard something similar, Last two video games you played combined, How awesome is it?
Halo: Reach and Ace Combat 6. Oh, boy...

It'll be insanely awesome.

Permalink
| January 23, 2014, 9:57 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
The cast from the last movie you watched is up against the cast from the last TV show you watched. How epic is the battle?

For me, it's The Lone Ranger vs. the Alaska State Troopers. This'll be amazing.


The cast of The Meaning of Life vs. a random HGTV show my mum was watching over dinner, which counts.

...

The battle is full of sexual jokes, slapstick humor, vomit, fishes with faces, sledgehammers, and real-estate agents.
Take cover!
Permalink
| January 23, 2014, 10:08 pm
Quoting Squawko Johannsen The 23rd because he stole my watermelons
The cast from the last movie you watched is up against the cast from the last TV show you watched. How epic is the battle?

For me, it's The Lone Ranger vs. the Alaska State Troopers. This'll be amazing.
And for my parents, it'll be The Lone Ranger vs. Duck Dynasty... WHAT?!?!??
Permalink
| January 23, 2014, 10:40 pm
What is a nervous horse's favorite party food?

Hors' nerves!

(Hors d'oeuvres)

Get it, anybody? :)
Permalink
| January 25, 2014, 2:54 pm
Quoting Ian .....
Rise of the Planet of the Apes vs. Pawn Stars O_o
I've heard something similar, Last two video games you played combined, How awesome is it?

World of Tanks vs. Clash of Clans.
It's... pretty amazing.
Permalink
| January 25, 2014, 9:34 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
Quoting Ian .....
Rise of the Planet of the Apes vs. Pawn Stars O_o
I've heard something similar, Last two video games you played combined, How awesome is it?
Halo: Reach and Ace Combat 6. Oh, boy...

It'll be insanely awesome.

Mine is Halo 4 and Star Wars Republic Comandos. Best thing ever.
Permalink
| January 25, 2014, 9:42 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
Quoting Squawko Johannsen The 23rd because he stole my watermelons
The cast from the last movie you watched is up against the cast from the last TV show you watched. How epic is the battle?

For me, it's The Lone Ranger vs. the Alaska State Troopers. This'll be amazing.
And for my parents, it'll be The Lone Ranger vs. Duck Dynasty... WHAT?!?!??

Hilarious.
Permalink
| January 25, 2014, 9:42 pm
Quoting Cade Connelly
World of Tanks vs. Clash of Clans.
It's... pretty amazing.

Glad you like it.
Permalink
| January 25, 2014, 9:42 pm
 Group moderator 
Quoting Ian .....
Rise of the Planet of the Apes vs. Pawn Stars O_o
I've heard something similar, Last two video games you played combined, How awesome is it?

I can imagine playing games I've never played:P
But the ultimate franchise Vs, for me would be AutoBots (from like fall of Cybertron) Vs. Republic commandos!
Permalink
| January 25, 2014, 9:46 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Nate Andrews
The cast from the last movie you watched is up against the cast from the last TV show you watched. How epic is the battle?

For me, it's The Lone Ranger vs. the Alaska State Troopers. This'll be amazing.

And then there were none VS. Downton Abbey... :P
Permalink
| January 25, 2014, 9:55 pm
 Group moderator 
Quoting David .
And then there were none VS. Downton Abbey... :P

Wait? You're alive? Oh who cares anyway, how's your Tourney entry coming:P
Permalink
| January 25, 2014, 9:56 pm
The color of your pants + the last kind of food you ate = the name of your new band.

So... Blue Pizza?

Permalink
| January 28, 2014, 7:59 am
Quoting Nate Andrews
The color of your pants + the last kind of food you ate = the name of your new band.

So... Blue Pizza?

Urban Camouflage Meatloaf.
Permalink
| January 28, 2014, 8:59 am
Quoting Nate Andrews
The color of your pants + the last kind of food you ate = the name of your new band.

So... Blue Pizza?

Gray plaid Cheerios.
Permalink
| January 28, 2014, 9:04 am
Ninjas are God's Secret Agents. B-)
Permalink
| January 28, 2014, 10:08 am
Waffle House is really just hibachi for rednecks.
Permalink
| January 28, 2014, 4:35 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
The color of your pants + the last kind of food you ate = the name of your new band.

So... Blue Pizza?

Navy Pretzels! :)
Permalink
| January 29, 2014, 6:52 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
The color of your pants + the last kind of food you ate = the name of your new band.

So... Blue Pizza?

Black Cheeseburger FTW!
Permalink
| January 29, 2014, 6:56 pm
"&" really just looks like a stick figure dragging his b*tt across the floor.
Permalink
| January 30, 2014, 6:56 pm
The name of my nonexistant band is Khaki Muffin which somehow makes sense.
Permalink
| January 30, 2014, 7:14 pm
I dream of a day when chickens can cross the road without being questioned.
Permalink
| February 1, 2014, 6:46 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
I dream of a day when chickens can cross the road without being questioned.

And I dream of a day when doors can be knocked without, "knock, knock!" :)
Permalink
| February 1, 2014, 6:56 pm
There is a man with his friend and a parrot, the mans name is Joe. Joe goes with his friend in the car to the grand canyon, Joe then picks up his parrot and goes about half a foot from the edge, when his friend asks "what er ya doin?" Joe says "I'm going parrotshooting!" Then he jumps off... :P
Permalink
| February 2, 2014, 11:59 am
Quoting Bill Daniels.
There is a man with his friend and a parrot, the mans name is Joe. Joe goes with his friend in the car to the grand canyon, Joe then picks up his parrot and goes about half a foot from the edge, when his friend asks "what er ya doin?" Joe says "I'm going parrotshooting!" Then he jumps off... :P

Great joke! :)
Permalink
| February 2, 2014, 10:06 pm
Valentine's day... Also known as Singles Awareness Day, or S.A.D.
Permalink
| February 4, 2014, 9:37 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
Valentine's day... Also known as Singles Awareness Day, or S.A.D.

Yes, unfortunately.
Permalink
| February 4, 2014, 9:58 pm
 Group admin 
A girl on my class today said she likes valentines day because she like chocolate to which I replied "chocolate from who? Oh yeah, no one." The she said from herself. lol...
Permalink
| February 4, 2014, 10:09 pm
Quoting Michael K.
A girl on my class today said she likes valentines day because she like chocolate to which I replied "chocolate from who? Oh yeah, no one." The she said from herself. lol...
Ouch.

Permalink
| February 5, 2014, 2:08 pm
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Permalink
| February 5, 2014, 2:10 pm
I don't have a microwave, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.
Permalink
| February 5, 2014, 2:12 pm
Maybe Bigfoot is just blurry, and it's not the photographer's fault.
Permalink
| February 5, 2014, 2:15 pm
If you see a friend named Jack at the airport, DO NOT greet him very loudly.
Permalink
| February 5, 2014, 2:18 pm
I always thought it would be cool if a flying saucer landed and illegal Mexicans came out. Because then they'd be alien aliens. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-4-gLlF0uw
Permalink
| February 10, 2014, 11:36 pm
Quoting Sir Simon McSpozzywinkle
I always thought it would be cool if a flying saucer landed and illegal Mexicans came out. Because then they'd be alien aliens. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-4-gLlF0uw


This could also explain aliens causing all of the crop circles. But only if their names are Jose and Manuel. (please refer to the Youtube link above)
Permalink
| February 11, 2014, 7:13 pm
Hi guys
Permalink
| February 11, 2014, 9:41 pm
Two elderly men are sitting on the front porch one afternoon. One of them says to the other, "My wife and I went downtown to eat at that new restaurant last night, and it was REALLY good!" The other man says, "Really? What's the name of it?" The first man thinks for a moment, and then finally says, "Ya know, I just can't remember! My memory's getting so bad here lately!" He thinks a little while longer longer, and then says, "Wait a second! What's the name of that red flower that's real pretty, smells nice, and has thorns on the stem?" The other man says, "A rose?" The first man says, "Yeah, that's it!" Then he turns and shouts inside the house to his wife, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we ate at last night?!"
Permalink
| February 12, 2014, 10:20 pm
Part 2:

Later on, the wind begins to pick up and the trees start swaying back and forth. The first man says, "Windy today." And the second guy replies, "No it ain't! It's Thursday." The first man answers, "Yeah, me too. I'm gonna go inside and get a glass of water."
Permalink
| February 13, 2014, 1:42 pm
McDonald's being the official restaurant of the Winter Olympics is like smoking being the official cure for cancer.
Permalink
| February 18, 2014, 6:01 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
McDonald's being the official restaurant of the Winter Olympics is like smoking being the official cure for cancer.

Finally someone notices!
Permalink
| February 18, 2014, 8:27 pm
Quoting Cade Connelly
Physics jokes

Man, those are hilarious!
Permalink
| February 18, 2014, 9:09 pm
There are 10 kinds of people in the world, the ones who know binary and the ones who don't.
Permalink
| February 20, 2014, 7:55 pm
Quoting Mr. Cab
There are 10 kinds of people in the world, the ones who know binary and the ones who don't.

Funny.
Permalink
| February 20, 2014, 8:14 pm
What would happen if you put a slinky on the UP escalator? O_o
Permalink
| February 21, 2014, 1:29 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Nate Andrews
What would happen if you put a slinky on the UP escalator? O_o

I am so going to try that one day!
Permalink
| February 21, 2014, 1:34 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
What would happen if you put a slinky on the UP escalator? O_o

I saw a commercial about that.

It would have fun, but not quite as much fun as someone who saves thousands of dollars on their car insurance by switching to GEICO.

:P
Permalink
| February 21, 2014, 1:35 pm
After seeing all these awesome jokes, I can no longer resist the temptation to add my own.

A cat sitting in a bar finishes his milk and begins to bathe himself with his tongue, as cats do.
"Hey!" the bartender interrupts him, "Don't do that here; it's disgusting!"
"It's a perfectly sanitary and healthy way to stay clean" The cat corrects him.
"Yeah? Well, I'll bet you'd loose your lunch if you had to do that for anyone but yourself." smirks the bartender.
"On the contrary," the cat replies, "I could lick anyone in the house".

*rimshot*

*groans from audience*

Thank you, my name is Vega and I'll be here all week..

Permalink
| February 22, 2014, 6:19 pm
Quoting Vega Of Mars
After seeing all these awesome jokes, I can no longer resist the temptation to add my own.

A cat sitting in a bar finishes his milk and begins to bathe himself with his tongue, as cats do.
"Hey!" the bartender interrupts him, "Don't do that here; it's disgusting!"
"It's a perfectly sanitary and healthy way to stay clean" The cat corrects him.
"Yeah? Well, I'll bet you'd loose your lunch if you had to do that for anyone but yourself." smirks the bartender.
"On the contrary," the cat replies, "I could lick anyone in the house".

*rimshot*

*groans from audience*

Thank you, my name is Vega and I'll be here all week..

:P
Permalink
| February 22, 2014, 6:20 pm
Q: What happens when you walk in front of a moving car?

A: You get tired.



Q: What happens when you walk BEHIND a moving car?

A: You get exhausted.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-4-gLlF0uw
Permalink
| February 23, 2014, 10:12 pm
A cat walks into a field of cabbages and peas. (say it aloud)
Permalink
| February 26, 2014, 5:11 pm
Someone told me that he was m"ore broker" than an empty wallet. It made me realize how strange it is that people trust their stocks with people called "brokers".

Sorry, I'll find something that's less of a stretch next week.
Permalink
| February 26, 2014, 5:34 pm
 Group moderator 
Quoting Nate Andrews
McDonald's being the official restaurant of the Winter Olympics is like smoking being the official cure for cancer.

True.
Permalink
| February 26, 2014, 5:39 pm
Those skeletons in your closet may actually just be last year's hide-and-seek champions.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-4-gLlF0uw
Permalink
| February 28, 2014, 12:37 pm
I have CDO. It's like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order LIKE THEY SHOULD BE.
Permalink
| March 1, 2014, 11:46 am
A guy is driving with his not-so-bright girlfriend when he comes to a right turn. He asks his girlfriend, "Can you look out your window and see if my turn signal's working?" She sticks her head out the window and says, "Okay, now it is, and now it's not, now it is, now it's not, now it is, now it's not, now it is, now it's not....."
Permalink
| March 8, 2014, 9:01 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
A guy is driving with his not-so-bright girlfriend when he comes to a right turn. He asks his girlfriend, "Can you look out your window and see if my turn signal's working?" She sticks her head out the window and says, "Okay, now it is, and now it's not, now it is, now it's not, now it is, now it's not, now it is, now it's not....."
Hehehe. ;-)
Permalink
| March 9, 2014, 10:02 am
You all may have heard this before, but I'll tell it anyway.

A doctor fell down a well. "Sounds terrible!" you say? I don't think so; it's his fault, really.

"Why not?" you ask.

Well, he should have attended to the sick and left the well alone! ;)
Permalink
| March 9, 2014, 10:04 am
How do you stop a dog from biting you on Monday?

You'd most likely say, "That's any easy question it's to kill the dog on Sunday."

But that's not how you stop a dog from biting you on Monday.

"Then how would you bring this thing about?" You'd say.

Have the doggies teeth pulled out!

Ever seen White Christmas? If not you probably won't find it very funny.
Permalink
| March 9, 2014, 2:49 pm
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Both are perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire.
Permalink
| March 11, 2014, 1:52 pm
Quoting Stormjay Rider
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Both are perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire.
O_o *backs away slowly*

Permalink
| March 12, 2014, 6:32 pm
Quoting Stormjay Rider
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Both are perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire.

Uh....

XD
Permalink
| March 12, 2014, 6:33 pm
Quoting Professor B.
How do you stop a dog from biting you on Monday?

You'd most likely say, "That's any easy question it's to kill the dog on Sunday."

But that's not how you stop a dog from biting you on Monday.

"Then how would you bring this thing about?" You'd say.

Have the doggies teeth pulled out!

Ever seen White Christmas? If not you probably won't find it very funny.

"Oh, Mr. Bones, that's terrible! Oho! Yes, Mr. Bones, that's terrible! Oho!" Ah, yes. "White Christmas" is a great classic movie; I guess you recognized the well joke from that, right? :-)
Permalink
| March 12, 2014, 8:56 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Professor B.
Mr. Bones funn-*ahem* horrible story.
When the guys perform as the sisters.... Man I love that movie! XD I thank goodness I was made back then. (If it was made today their performance would be received as insulting...) annnd a joke to make this comment valid:

A doctor went along one day and fell into the well.
It was his fault though, because he should have attended to the sick and left the well alone! (Or something. We watch it once a year at Christmas time so my memory's a bit rusty)

Permalink
| March 12, 2014, 10:38 pm
 Group admin 
So once upon a time there was a young man sitting in a restaurant, when he noticed a fairly old couple eating lunch together. The had one of everything exactly the same as the other person. A plate, a napkin, 15 fries da band exactly half a burger. He noted that after they have prayed, the wife just sat there watching her husband eat. So after the man took a few more bites he went over to the lady and asked why she wasn't eating. "Oh", she said, "we share everything". "Well that's very nice ma'am," the man started, "but why aren't you eating your lunch?" The lady looked up and stated with a smile, "I'm waiting for the teeth!"
Permalink
| March 12, 2014, 10:58 pm
 Group admin 
Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get in, he stopped and spoke to the driver. "You know," he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. would you mind if I drove it for a while?" The driver responded, "No problem. Have at it!"
Billy gets into the drivers' seat anf they head off down the high-way. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.
The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin procedure. The young trooper walked up to the drivers' door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.

He immediately excuse himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told his supervisor, "I know we're supposed to enforce the law. But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what to do because I have pulled over a very important person."

The supervisor asked if it was the governor.
"No, he's more important than that."

"It's the President?!?"
"No sir, I think he's even more important than that."

"Well who is it officer?!"
"Sir, I think it's Jesus because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"
Permalink
| March 14, 2014, 5:05 pm
Quoting David .
Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get in, he stopped and spoke to the driver. "You know," he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. would you mind if I drove it for a while?" The driver responded, "No problem. Have at it!"
Billy gets into the drivers' seat anf they head off down the high-way. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.
The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin procedure. The young trooper walked up to the drivers' door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.

He immediately excuse himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told his supervisor, "I know we're supposed to enforce the law. But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what to do because I have pulled over a very important person."

The supervisor asked if it was the governor.
"No, he's more important than that."

"It's the President?!?"
"No sir, I think he's even more important than that."

"Well who is it officer?!"
"Sir, I think it's Jesus because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"
That's a great joke! I like it! :D

Permalink
| March 14, 2014, 7:57 pm
Quoting David .
So once upon a time there was a young man sitting in a restaurant, when he noticed a fairly old couple eating lunch together. The had one of everything exactly the same as the other person. A plate, a napkin, 15 fries da band exactly half a burger. He noted that after they have prayed, the wife just sat there watching her husband eat. So after the man took a few more bites he went over to the lady and asked why she wasn't eating. "Oh", she said, "we share everything". "Well that's very nice ma'am," the man started, "but why aren't you eating your lunch?" The lady looked up and stated with a smile, "I'm waiting for the teeth!"

Hehehe! Now that is a hilarious joke! :)
Permalink
| March 14, 2014, 8:00 pm
Quoting David .
Quoting Professor B.
Mr. Bones funn-*ahem* horrible story.
When the guys perform as the sisters.... Man I love that movie! XD I thank goodness I was made back then. (If it was made today their performance would be received as insulting...) annnd a joke to make this comment valid:

A doctor went along one day and fell into the well.
It was his fault though, because he should have attended to the sick and left the well alone! (Or something. We watch it once a year at Christmas time so my memory's a bit rusty)

That doctor in the well one has always been one of my favorites! :)
Permalink
| March 14, 2014, 8:12 pm
Mother: Clean up your room! Were you born in a barn?

Child: Don't you remember, woman?

The Avengers came together for a group photo. While one of them was away using the bathroom, a photographer commented on how well their colors went together.

However, HULK CLASH! :P
Permalink
| March 19, 2014, 9:24 pm
Three blondes are walking through the woods when they come across a set of tracks. "Oh, look. Bear tracks!" One of them says. Another one says "No, those are wolf tracks." The third blonde says, "You're both wrong. Those are clearly coyote tracks!" And they were still arguing about it when the train hit them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-4-gLlF0uw
Permalink
| March 26, 2014, 6:33 pm
This joke thread is too offensive. I suggest you make some changes.
Permalink
| April 1, 2014, 3:57 pm
Quoting Chris Phipson
This joke thread is too offensive. I suggest you make some changes.

Psst... I still see your normal image.
Permalink
| April 1, 2014, 3:59 pm
Quoting Chris Phipson
This joke thread is too offensive. I suggest you make some changes.

And psst, Chris Phipson isn't 11. :P
Permalink
| April 1, 2014, 4:00 pm
Quoting Gilbert Despathens
Psst... I still see your normal image.

Gilbert, I have only ever had the same buddy icon.
Permalink
| April 1, 2014, 4:01 pm
Quoting Chris Phipson
This joke thread is too offensive. I suggest you make some changes.

Pssst, that doesn't sound like Phipson at all. :P
Permalink
| April 1, 2014, 4:01 pm
Ha ha ha ha, this is funny even if it isn't pranking anyone.
Permalink
| April 1, 2014, 4:03 pm
Quoting Brickcity 101
And psst, Chris Phipson isn't 11. :P

Of coarse I'm not eleven! Don't you think I, Chris Phipson would know my own age?
Permalink
| April 1, 2014, 4:03 pm
Quoting Gilbert Despathens
Ha ha ha ha, this is funny even if it isn't pranking anyone.

I agree!!!
Permalink
| April 1, 2014, 4:04 pm
Quoting Chris Phipson
Of coarse I'm not eleven! Don't you think I, Chris Phipson would know my own age?

Uh, no.

:P
Permalink
| April 1, 2014, 4:04 pm
Quoting - _ -
Uh, no.

:P

Hehehe! ha....
Permalink
| April 1, 2014, 4:05 pm
Ummm, we need to get back on topic! We're braking FNJ's rules! Sorry i Brick staff!
Permalink
| April 1, 2014, 4:07 pm
Quoting Chris Phipson
Ummm, we need to get back on topic! We're braking FNJ's rules! Sorry i Brick staff!

Pssst, I don't think anyone is falling for it. Just sayin'.
Permalink
| April 1, 2014, 7:42 pm
Quoting Chris Phipson
Ummm, we need to get back on topic! We're braking FNJ's rules! Sorry i Brick staff!

*facepalm*
Permalink
| April 2, 2014, 1:45 pm
"Does this cloth smell like chloroform to you?"
Permalink
| April 3, 2014, 8:36 am
wolverine stop this chris phipson thing

Permalink
| April 3, 2014, 12:45 pm
Quoting Arjav Garg
wolverine stop this chris phipson thing

Your about 12 hours late... I already stopped.
Permalink
| April 3, 2014, 12:57 pm
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore looking like an idi@t.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then somebody, somewhere is making a penny.

Curiosity killed the cat, but I was a suspect for a while.

I went to a general store, and they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.



Permalink
| April 19, 2014, 3:03 pm
Also, I think it's about time for a part 4 to this thread. This one's become very, very long.
Permalink
| April 19, 2014, 3:20 pm
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

Ever notice how irons have a permanent press setting? I don't get it.

I'm recording all of the noises my baby cousin makes so years later I can play it and ask him what he meant.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

One the other hand, you have different fingers.

One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, but I didn't have any cash. So I charged him.

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
Permalink
| April 19, 2014, 3:36 pm
Q: Why do teenage girls go around in odd numbers?
A: Because they can't even.

Q: What did the guy say to the other guy with a bad memory?
A: That's not a riddle, seriously, I can't remember.

Q: Why was the clown fired from the circus?
A: The conditions of his probation prohibited him from working anywhere near animals, children, or bearded ladies.

Permalink
| April 19, 2014, 9:05 pm
Does anybody else think they should put pictures of missing midgets on cartons of half and half??
Permalink
| April 21, 2014, 8:31 am
Q: What did the grandma say to the landscaper?

A: Something racist.
Permalink
| April 21, 2014, 9:09 am
Q: What's so great about living in Switzerland?

A: For starters, the flag is a huge plus.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SfOkA_UvYW0

What? Whaaaaat?
Permalink
| April 22, 2014, 7:55 pm
Quoting myself again because there's nobody else to talk to :'(
The color of your pants + the last kind of food you ate = the name of your new band.

So... Blue Pizza?
My band is now called Black Chicken. O_o

Permalink
| April 24, 2014, 8:49 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
Quoting myself again because there's nobody else to talk to :'(
The color of your pants + the last kind of food you ate = the name of your new band.

So... Blue Pizza?
My band is now called Black Chicken. O_o

GREY BAGEL!
Permalink
| April 24, 2014, 8:55 pm
Quoting Stormjay Rider
GREY BAGEL!

IRON MAN TRUMOO!
Permalink
| April 24, 2014, 8:57 pm
Quoting Stormjay Rider
GREY BAGEL!


none ramen is a horrible name for a band, and the state of my life
Permalink
| April 24, 2014, 9:27 pm
Q: Why did the pneumatic equipment factory worker quit his job?




A: Because he realized that each moment in life is precious and spending his days putting threads on high pressure pipe to get paid just enough to drive home in the evening, eat, sleep, and get up to do it all over again is a horrible existence. He currently lives in a treehouse on vancouver island.
Permalink
| April 24, 2014, 9:32 pm
When I was younger, my parents made the mistake of telling me to eat every carrot and pea on my plate. (Read it out loud if you don't get it)
Permalink
| April 28, 2014, 8:22 am
Quoting Nate Andrews
When I was younger, my parents made the mistake of telling me to eat every carrot and pea on my plate. (Read it out loud if you don't get it)
Wonderful.

Permalink
| April 28, 2014, 9:43 am
(I might have already told this one, but meh)

Why was the scarecrow promoted?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
Permalink
| April 28, 2014, 5:52 pm
Quoting BrickBuilder7622 .
(I might have already told this one, but meh)

Why was the scarecrow promoted?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
His wife was inside watching Dr. Phil, but he'd much rather be watching okra.

Permalink
| April 28, 2014, 8:11 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
Quoting BrickBuilder7622 .
(I might have already told this one, but meh)

Why was the scarecrow promoted?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
His wife was inside watching Dr. Phil, but he'd much rather be watching okra.
Nice. :D

Permalink
| April 29, 2014, 4:30 pm
Earl and Roy run a moving business together. They're not the two brightest bulbs in the chandelier. They're moving a piano from the third floor of a big fancy house one day by sliding it out unto a balcony and lowering it with a pulley and a rope. Earl's on the ground holding the rope, while Roy slides the piano closer and closer to the edge of the balcony. As soon the piano clears the edge, it shoots straight down and Earl shoots straight up. He goes flying past Roy and smacks his head on the pulley, and at the same time, the piano slams into the ground and explodes into a million pieces. Now free from the weight of the piano, Earl falls all the way back down and lands in the middle of all the debris. Roy comes racing back down the stairs to find Earl lying unconscious where he fell. He screams, "Earl, Earl!!! Speak to me!!!" Earl's eyes pop open, and he says, "Why should I speak to you?! I passed you twice and you didn't say nothin' to me!"
Permalink
| May 1, 2014, 6:13 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
Earl and Roy run a moving business together. They're not the two brightest bulbs in the chandelier....
Indeed, that chandelier is not as bright as it could be with those two guys not speaking to each other. :-)

Permalink
| May 5, 2014, 9:46 pm
Q: Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into his own meat grinder?

A: He got a little behind in his work.
Permalink
| May 19, 2014, 10:03 pm
The elderly keep poking me at weddings and telling me "You're next!". So I decided I would do the same to them at funerals.
Permalink
| May 22, 2014, 1:08 pm
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Permalink
| May 22, 2014, 1:16 pm
Quoting sam the first
The elderly keep poking me at weddings and telling me "You're next!". So I decided I would do the same to them at funerals.
LOL! Very nice, Mr. Sam. :-)

Permalink
| May 22, 2014, 9:38 pm
A lady's husband passed away and left her $20,000. A week later, she told her friend that she was broke. The friend said, "What do you mean you're broke? I thought you had $20,000."

The lady said, "Well, I spent $5,000 on the funeral and $15,000 on the memorial stone."

The friend said, "Whoa, that must have been some stone; how big was it?"

The lady held out her hand, and on one of her fingers was a giant diamond ring. She said, "Three and a half karats."

Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck! :P
Permalink
| May 22, 2014, 9:41 pm
Quoting BrickBuilder7622 .
Quoting Nate Andrews
Quoting BrickBuilder7622 .
(I might have already told this one, but meh)

Why was the scarecrow promoted?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
His wife was inside watching Dr. Phil, but he'd much rather be watching okra.
Nice. :D
Meh. I thought it was kind of corny.
Permalink
| May 25, 2014, 12:13 am
Quoting Nate Andrews
Quoting BrickBuilder7622 .
Quoting Nate Andrews
Quoting BrickBuilder7622 .
(I might have already told this one, but meh)

Why was the scarecrow promoted?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
His wife was inside watching Dr. Phil, but he'd much rather be watching okra.
Nice. :D
Meh. I thought it was kind of corny.
You are awesome! :D

Permalink
| May 25, 2014, 9:35 am
Quoting BrickBuilder7622 .
Quoting Nate Andrews
Quoting BrickBuilder7622 .
Quoting Nate Andrews
Quoting BrickBuilder7622 .
(I might have already told this one, but meh)

Why was the scarecrow promoted?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
His wife was inside watching Dr. Phil, but he'd much rather be watching okra.
Nice. :D
Meh. I thought it was kind of corny.
You are awesome! :D

GARDEN PARTY!!!! Lettuce turnip the beet.
Permalink
| May 25, 2014, 9:43 pm
A man calls a florist with a complaint. "I ordered a wreath with some flowers for a friend of mine and his wife who just moved their business into a new building. But when it arrived at their store, there was a sign in the middle of the wreath that said, "Rest in peace." The florist starts laughing uncontrollably. "What's so funny about that?!" asks the frustrated customer. The florist replies, "Somebody, somewhere, is opening up a large bouquet of flowers at a funeral home with a sign that says, "Good luck with your new location!"
Permalink
| May 25, 2014, 10:01 pm
Quoting U. R. Ayjurk
The cast from the last movie you watched is up against the cast from the last TV show you watched. How epic is the battle?

For me, it's The Lone Ranger vs. the Alaska State Troopers. This'll be amazing.
And now... Godzilla vs. America's Funniest Home Videos. It's just... not ... fair.

Permalink
| May 25, 2014, 11:02 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
A man calls a florist with a complaint. "I ordered a wreath with some flowers for a friend of mine and his wife who just moved their business into a new building. But when it arrived at their store, there was a sign in the middle of the wreath that said, "Rest in peace." The florist starts laughing uncontrollably. "What's so funny about that?!" asks the frustrated customer. The florist replies, "Somebody, somewhere, is opening up a large bouquet of flowers at a funeral home with a sign that says, "Good luck with your new location!"
LOL! That is too great! You are a great joke-teller! :-)

Permalink
| May 26, 2014, 5:54 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
GARDEN PARTY!!!! Lettuce turnip the beet.
Man, you are truly awesome! :)

Permalink
| May 26, 2014, 5:55 pm
Quoting BrickBuilder7622 .
Quoting Nate Andrews
A man calls a florist with a complaint. "I ordered a wreath with some flowers for a friend of mine and his wife who just moved their business into a new building. But when it arrived at their store, there was a sign in the middle of the wreath that said, "Rest in peace." The florist starts laughing uncontrollably. "What's so funny about that?!" asks the frustrated customer. The florist replies, "Somebody, somewhere, is opening up a large bouquet of flowers at a funeral home with a sign that says, "Good luck with your new location!"
LOL! That is too great! You are a great joke-teller! :-)
I try.

Permalink
| May 27, 2014, 1:03 am
Quoting BrickBuilder7622 .
Quoting Nate Andrews
GARDEN PARTY!!!! Lettuce turnip the beet.
Man, you are truly awesome! :)

If you're crying laughing, it's probably just because of the onions. WILL THIS JOKE EVER END?!?!
Permalink
| May 27, 2014, 1:05 am
This one's only funny because of its sheer $tupidity.

Saint Peter is letting people in at the pearly gates of heaven when a rather obnoxious-looking man arrives. "Hello, sir! How are you today?" Peter asks him. The man replies, "I just died, man!!!" Peter says, "Oh, yeah. I'm sorry... uh, what were you doing before you died, then?" The guy grabs his arm and says, "I was goin' like this: WEEEEEAAAAGGGAAHAHHHeeeehhhewaaleehhhhh!!!!!....."
Permalink
| May 30, 2014, 1:34 am
Quoting Nate Andrews
If you're crying laughing, it's probably just because of the onions. WILL THIS JOKE EVER END?!?!
I was trying to think of a clever response, but I couldn't.

Sorry to be a bad apple (do I detect a chance to make fruit puns now?) :P XD

Permalink
| May 30, 2014, 9:47 pm
Quoting BrickBuilder7622 .
Quoting Nate Andrews
If you're crying laughing, it's probably just because of the onions. WILL THIS JOKE EVER END?!?!
I was trying to think of a clever response, but I couldn't.

Sorry to be a bad apple (do I detect a chance to make fruit puns now?) :P XD
It's okay. I'm plumb out of ideas anyway.

Permalink
| May 30, 2014, 10:52 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
Quoting BrickBuilder7622 .
Quoting Nate Andrews
If you're crying laughing, it's probably just because of the onions. WILL THIS JOKE EVER END?!?!
I was trying to think of a clever response, but I couldn't.

Sorry to be a bad apple (do I detect a chance to make fruit puns now?) :P XD
It's okay. I'm plumb out of ideas anyway.
That is just great! Orange you glad we switched to fruits? :D

Permalink
| May 31, 2014, 10:32 am
Quoting BrickBuilder7622 .
Quoting Nate Andrews
Quoting BrickBuilder7622 .
Quoting Nate Andrews
If you're crying laughing, it's probably just because of the onions. WILL THIS JOKE EVER END?!?!
I was trying to think of a clever response, but I couldn't.

Sorry to be a bad apple (do I detect a chance to make fruit puns now?) :P XD
It's okay. I'm plumb out of ideas anyway.
That is just great! Orange you glad we switched to fruits? :D

You guys are beeting a dead horse with all these puns.
Permalink
| May 31, 2014, 10:38 am
Quoting Asad .
You guys are beeting a dead horse with all these puns.

You should krill all these fruit puns and talk about fish instead.
Permalink
| May 31, 2014, 11:11 am
What's up with that airline food?
Permalink
| May 31, 2014, 11:17 am
Quoting Stormjay Rider
You should krill all these fruit puns and talk about fish instead.
I dunno, your comment seems very quite fishy. :P XD

Permalink
| May 31, 2014, 1:36 pm
At a church, an usher was helping an elderly lady to find a chair. She wanted to sit up in the front row.

The usher said, "Oh, no, ma'am. You must not know our pastor very well; he can be boring and he'll put you to sleep."

The elderly lady looked appalled. She said, "Sir, do you know who I am? I am the pastor's mother."

The usher hung his head in shame and said, "Do you know who I am?"

The lady said no.

The usher said, "Thank goodness!" XD
Permalink
| June 3, 2014, 1:33 pm
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being not smart (I needed to change a word there). Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!
Permalink
| June 4, 2014, 10:09 am
Quoting Timothy Post
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being not smart (I needed to change a word there). Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!
Very smart kid, indeed. :-)

Permalink
| June 4, 2014, 11:49 am
Q: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A: Do-you-think-he-saur-us.
Permalink
| June 5, 2014, 9:18 am
IM BACK GUYS! :D

My joke (Actually someone I knew told this joke)

So a Native American chief was felling a bit sick, so he went to the Medicine Man. The Medicine Man gave him an herbal tea. The chief thought, If a little amount would work, then a larger amount would be better. The next morning the chief was found drowning in his own tea pee.

This is a rough version. Let it sink in...
Permalink
| June 5, 2014, 2:33 pm
Quoting Charlie A
IM BACK GUYS! :D

My joke (Actually someone I knew told this joke)

So a Native American chief was felling a bit sick, so he went to the Medicine Man. The Medicine Man gave him an herbal tea. The chief thought, If a little amount would work, then a larger amount would be better. The next morning the chief was found drowning in his own tea pee.

This is a rough version. Let it sink in...

....that was just....wow...
Permalink
| June 5, 2014, 2:36 pm
Quoting Evan Botkin
....that was just....wow...

I thank you lol yes it is very corny
Permalink
| June 5, 2014, 3:20 pm
Quoting Charlie A
IM BACK GUYS! :D

My joke (Actually someone I knew told this joke)

So a Native American chief was felling a bit sick, so he went to the Medicine Man. The Medicine Man gave him an herbal tea. The chief thought, If a little amount would work, then a larger amount would be better. The next morning the chief was found drowning in his own tea pee.

This is a rough version. Let it sink in...

...
Permalink
| June 5, 2014, 3:21 pm
Ok ok I got another one... I once made some sense... But then I was arrested for counterfeiting...

Eh? (My brother made that joke)
Permalink
| June 5, 2014, 3:24 pm
I left my wallet in my jeans pocket and put them in the wash.

An hour or so later I was arrested for money laundering.
Permalink
| June 5, 2014, 6:41 pm
Quoting Evan Botkin
I left my wallet in my jeans pocket and put them in the wash.

An hour or so later I was arrested for money laundering.

Haha good one!
Permalink
| June 5, 2014, 8:08 pm
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
Permalink
| June 6, 2014, 6:59 pm
A: Why did José throw his wife off the cliff?

Q: Tequila.

Another one you should read out loud if you don't get it.
Permalink
| June 6, 2014, 9:46 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
A: Why did José throw his wife off the cliff?

Q: Tequila.

Another one you should read out loud if you don't get it.

Oh haha :S I get it :D

Permalink
| June 6, 2014, 10:12 pm
Quoting Asad .
You guys are beeting a dead horse with all these puns.
Oh yeah? Be sure to lettuce know if you think of something better then.

Ok, I'm done. Seriously.

Permalink
| June 7, 2014, 1:18 pm
I went to a bookstore and asked the sales lady where the self-help section was. She said if told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

My watch is two hours slow and I can't fix it. So I'm moving to California.

I think crematoriums should give discounts to burn victims.

How do they get the deer to cross at those yellow road signs?

One time I went to a drive-in theater in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.

I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and asked, "Can I help you?" and I said, "Yeah, do you have anything I would like?" He said, "What do you mean?" I said, "You started this." He asked, "What size are you?" and I said, "Extra medium."

One time I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back, the entire area was missing.
Permalink
| June 7, 2014, 1:34 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
Quoting Asad .
You guys are beeting a dead horse with all these puns.
Oh yeah? Be sure to lettuce know if you think of something better then.

Ok, I'm done. Seriously.


You are a punny guy!

Ok, so a panda walks in to a bar. He eats, shoots, and leaves.

Permalink
| June 7, 2014, 3:26 pm
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?

A: Because he wasn't a chicken.
Permalink
| June 7, 2014, 11:13 pm
Q: Why do Chinese restaurants only serve cats?

A: Because Hu let the dogs out.
Permalink
| June 11, 2014, 11:24 pm
Q: Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?

A: He was charged with battery.
Permalink
| June 12, 2014, 2:27 pm
Quoting BrickBuilder7622 .
Quoting Stormjay Rider
You should krill all these fruit puns and talk about fish instead.
I dunno, your comment seems very quite fishy. :P XD
When the plumbs on your tree dry out, it's time to prune.

OOOOOHHHH!!!!!
Permalink
| June 12, 2014, 2:36 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
Q: Why do Chinese restaurants only serve cats?

A: Because Hu let the dogs out.
hahaha! :-)

Permalink
| June 17, 2014, 8:27 am
Q: What does Batman like in his soda?

A: Just ice.

Haha, just ice. Justice? No? Okay.....
Permalink
| June 22, 2014, 3:02 pm
I think a game of charades would be the worst possible time to have a heart attack.

"Uh, muscle cramps... followed by nap time!"
Permalink
| July 10, 2014, 3:30 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
I think a game of charades would be the worst possible time to have a heart attack.

"Uh, muscle cramps... followed by nap time!"

That one made me laugh. :)
Permalink
| July 10, 2014, 3:59 pm
Here's one my brother made up the other night that's only funny because it's so stup!d.

Q: What are ant eyes made out of?

A: Ant-eye matter.

I know. I booed him too.
Permalink
| July 21, 2014, 9:37 pm
Other topics
« Jokes and Puns #3 Updated Monday
Random Facts! Updated Saturday
i Brick Chat #22 Updated Friday
student teen kid toy play lego child video game hobby blocks construction toy legos fun games



LEGO models my own creation MOCpages toys shop i BrickHolidays


You Your home page | LEGO creations | Favorite builders
Activity Activity | Comments | Creations
Explore Explore | Recent | Groups
MOCpages is an unofficial, fan-created website. LEGO® and the brick configuration are property of The LEGO Group, which does not sponsor, own, or endorse this site.
©2002-2014 Sean Kenney Design Inc | Privacy policy | Terms of use