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Jokes
You know, all the tension is getting really annoying. How about we lighten the mood with jokes? Tell you best jokes here. Here is my first joke:

An american pilot is shot down over germany during WW2. The germans capture him and he is put in a prison camp. During his first week of imprisonment, he breaks his leg. the break is so bad that ist has to be amputated. The pilot asks his captors " could you drop the leg over my base in england", and they do it. The next week, while the pilot is on crutches, he breaks the other leg. again it has to be amputated. again he asks the germans if they could drop the leg over his base in england, and they do it. the third week he breaks his arm and it has to be amputated. he askes the germans a third time if they could drop it over his base in england. the german commandant says " nein, zis ve cannot do anymore". the pilot, confused, asks why and is told " ve sink your trying to escape."

Funny huh, now it's your guys turn.
Permalink
| June 9, 2009, 7:21 pm
Quoting Commander Dave Smith of the 198th Legion
you find your self in trouble you have to go into 1 of 3 rooms 1 has angry gorillas another has lions that havn't ate in a year and houngry crocs. witch is safest? the lions because if they havn't eaten in a yera. there dead

LOL good one
Permalink
| June 12, 2009, 2:52 pm
 Group admin 
A polish man walks into a store, approaches the man behind the counter, and says "Good morning sir, I'd like to buy some Polish sausages."

The clerk raised an eyebrow and replied "...you don't happen to be Polish...are you?"

"Well I just so happen to be Polish" the man said, rather upset. "But what does that have to do with anything?! I find that insulting. If I had asked for a burrito, would you have thought I was Mexican? If I had asked for sushi would you have though I was Japanese? If I had asked for bratwurst would you have assumed I was German? If I asked for a Rueben sandwich would you had though I was from New York? What makes you think I'm Polish?!"

"Because this is a Hardware Store."
Permalink
| June 12, 2009, 10:25 pm
Quoting Michael Ford
A polish man walks into a store, approaches the man behind the counter, and says "Good morning sir, I'd like to buy some Polish sausages."

The clerk raised an eyebrow and replied "...you don't happen to be Polish...are you?"

"Well I just so happen to be Polish" the man said, rather upset. "But what does that have to do with anything?! I find that insulting. If I had asked for a burrito, would you have thought I was Mexican? If I had asked for sushi would you have though I was Japanese? If I had asked for bratwurst would you have assumed I was German? If I asked for a Rueben sandwich would you had though I was from New York? What makes you think I'm Polish?!"

"Because this is a Hardware Store."

LOL
Permalink
| June 12, 2009, 10:36 pm
 Group admin 
The other day I was making a purchase at the local store. The bill was $5.53. I handed the clerk an extra $1 and three pennies, and asked for two quarters back. She was completely flustered. She had to call the manager to the front desk. By the end of the whole ordeal, she was in tears.

Why do I tell you this? Because it wasn't her fault.

Math has been evolving over the past fifty years. Like this:


1960: A man goes into the woods and spends $80 cutting down trees. If he wants to make a 20% profit, how much money does he need to sell them for?



1970: A man goes into the woods and spends $80 cutting down trees. He then sells them for $100. How much profit did he make?



1980: A man goes into the woods and spends $80 cutting down trees, which he sells for $100. His profit is $20. Circle the number 20.



1990: A man goes into the woods and cuts down trees because he is thoughtless and cruel to the environment. Hundreds of innocent squirrels and birds lose their homes due to his heartless rampage. He does this for a measly profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?



2000: UN Hombre español goes a el bosque y cortes down ochenta dólares valor de árboles. Él vender ellas por ciento dólares. Cómo mucho dólares de ganancia hecho él hace?





This would be funny if it weren't so real...
Permalink
| June 12, 2009, 10:38 pm
Once at one of Hitler's huge speeches he yelled to the crowd in his angry German accent,
"My dog has no nose!"
A young soldier then shouted back,
"How does he smell?"
Hitler replied,
"Awful!"
I got it off of Moty Python so if it's not funny to you I got it from the British.
Permalink
| June 12, 2009, 11:23 pm
Quoting Will Gober President of the Republic of Texas
Once at one of Hitler's huge speeches he yelled to the crowd in his angry German accent,
"My dog has no nose!"
A young soldier then shouted back,
"How does he smell?"
Hitler replied,
"Awful!"
I got it off of Moty Python so if it's not funny to you I got it from the British.

Awesome. I love Monty Python.
Permalink
| June 13, 2009, 12:43 am
My next one,

Three men are at a constructions site: a mexican, a brit, and a blond american. The mexican opens his lunch box and says "aye caramba, eef I geet nachoos one mur tyme, I weel throw meself off thees buiolding und keel myself." The brit opens his lunchbox and says, "Bloody 'ell if I get tea and krumpets one more time, i will throw myself off this stucture and drop to a quick death," The american opens his lunchbox and says,"dude, if i get hamburgers one more time , man, i will let fly at myslf commit scuicide." The next day, when the mexican opens his lunch box, he gets nachos, so he jumps off the bulding and kills himself. the same day, when the brit opens his lunch box , he gets tea and krumpets, so he follows the mexican down to the ground. when the american opens his box, he gets hamburgers so he kills himself too. at the funeral, the mexican wife was crying and said " if i knew that he didn't like nachos, I would have made hime something else." the british wife was crying too and she said "if I knew that he didin't like tea and krumpets I would have made hime something else.", but the american wife was laughing. the other two wives were confused. why would she be laughing at her husband's funeral? so they asked the american wife why she was laughing. the american wife replied,"my husband made his own lunches," that one cracked my up. l8r, Mav
Permalink
| June 14, 2009, 6:31 pm
 Group admin 
OK Dave, you got me. Clueless.
Permalink
| June 23, 2009, 4:02 pm
 Group moderator 
Quoting Commander Dave Smith of the 198th Legion
ok you guys have to answer this one. there are 2 brothers. born on the same day same month and same year. they have the same birth mother and arenot twins but brothers they are not clones or twins but brothers. how is this possible?

surgote mother.
Permalink
| June 23, 2009, 4:04 pm
 Group moderator 
a man and his wife were ging out for dinner, they called a cab and put the cat out, when the cab came the they opened the door to go out and the cat slipped by them and ran upstairs. not wanting the cat to have full run of the house hile they were gone the husband went to find it. the mife got in the cab and not wanting the cabby to know that there would be no one home she said, "wait a liitle bit for my husband, he had to say goodby to his grand mother." when the man came back he said to the cabby, "silly thing, I had to jab her with a coat hanger to get her out from under the bed."
Permalink
| August 12, 2009, 10:14 pm
 Group moderator 
yeah just recently got internet our house again! so I had to check what stuff there was at least since there were like 5 inaprop comments that I had to delete, so I added a joke, here's another one,
a lady was having plumbing problems so she called the plumber, the plumber says he'll be by at 11 o'clock, at 11:30 he hasn't shown up. at 1:00 still no plumber, so the lady goes to do her shopping, at 1:15 the plumber shows up, he knocks on the coor and the lady's parrot anwers, "hello, who is it?" the plumber answers, "it's the plumber." expecting to be let in, the parrot not being able to open the door is content. this happens 5 times and at 3:00 the plumber throws himself against the door and gets knocked out. at 3:15 the lady comes home and finds the man laying on the door-step, puzzled she says aloud to herself, "who is it?" the parrot answers, "the plumber."
Permalink
| August 13, 2009, 5:55 pm
 Group moderator 
heres another one I heard form My aunt who got it from their pastor....
A youn man wants to fight the taliban so he goes to his locally recruiting office and signs up. he completes his training and he is getting his weapons but they run out of M-4's just before they get to him, "well" the guy handing the guns out says,"...just use this." he hands the guy going to fight the taliban (for simplicitys sake from now on we will refer to him as GI-JOE) a broom stick, "what do I do with this?" GI-JOE says, "you point it at people and say, BANGITY-BANG!, it'll work!" the officer says. well GI-JOE gets to IRAQ and is in the battle and this guy jumps at him and GI says,"bangitybang." and the guy falls down dead, GI does this a few times and is elated! there finnally is only one guy left on the spot of battle and he advancing slowly mumbling, GI-JOE points his brom at the enemy and says "BANGITY-BANG" but the guy doesn't fall down he on top of GI-JOE now just plowing him over when GI-JOE hears the taliban member saying,"tankity-tankity,tankity-tankity,"
Permalink
| August 15, 2009, 3:21 pm
This one is out of date,

One day 3 kids were walking along a trail and came up to a bridge and noticed President George Bush (Jr.) was drowning in the river, the 3 boys rescued the president and Bush said "Thank you for savin my life, as a reward I give you one thing each of your choosin." The first boy said "I want a million dollars." The President replied "Done." The second boy said "I want my own sports car." The President replied "Very well." THe third boy said "I'll need a wheelchair." The President replied "Why." The boy says "Because when my dad finds out I saved your life, he'll break my neck."
Permalink
| August 20, 2009, 9:54 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Colonel A.C. Weagle
This one is out of date,

One day 3 kids were walking along a trail and came up to a bridge and noticed President George Bush (Jr.) was drowning in the river, the 3 boys rescued the president and Bush said "Thank you for savin my life, as a reward I give you one thing each of your choosin." The first boy said "I want a million dollars." The President replied "Done." The second boy said "I want my own sports car." The President replied "Very well." THe third boy said "I'll need a wheelchair." The President replied "Why." The boy says "Because when my dad finds out I saved your life, he'll break my neck."


Yeah...few years old, but still funny.
Permalink
| August 21, 2009, 10:20 pm
Quoting Michael Ford

Yeah...few years old, but still funny.

Hey, my parents would be glad if I saved Bushes life.
Permalink
| August 21, 2009, 10:26 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Will Gober
Hey, my parents would be glad if I saved Bushes life.

Same here. But we all know some who...wouldn't. Bush was a good guy. He tried hard.
Permalink
| August 21, 2009, 10:44 pm
Quoting Michael Ford
Same here. But we all know some who...wouldn't. Bush was a good guy. He tried hard.

It's not easy being president, If Bush had said half the Dems had he would have caught A LOT of flak.
Permalink
| August 21, 2009, 10:48 pm
Ive got a great joke here. what do you call obama when he's hiking throu the himalayas? the Obama-dible snowman!! hehe kinda lame but i REALLY DO NOT LIKE Barack Saddam "Hussein" Obama
Permalink
| August 21, 2009, 11:52 pm
 Group moderator 
"Hussein" Obama is nice?
Permalink
| August 27, 2009, 9:30 pm
A bear is squatin down to drop a deuce when a rabbit hops by. The bear asks "Do you have problems with poop sticking to your fur?" the rabbit replies "Nope' never did."
So the bear picks up the rabbit and whipes his rear with the rabbit.
Permalink
| January 9, 2010, 1:48 pm
Quoting Admiral A.C. Weagle
A bear is squatin down to drop a deuce when a rabbit hops by. The bear asks "Do you have problems with poop sticking to your fur?" the rabbit replies "Nope' never did."
So the bear picks up the rabbit and whipes his rear with the rabbit.

....
Permalink
| January 9, 2010, 2:46 pm
 Group admin 
This is stupid, but how do you drown a blonde?



Stick a scratch and sniff sticker to teh bottom of a swimming pool.
Permalink
| January 9, 2010, 11:07 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Will Gober
It's not easy being president, If Bush had said half the Dems had he would have caught A LOT of flak.

I think president is probably the worst job in America. Everything you do, half the nation hates your guts, and if you don't do anything, the entire world hates your guts because absolutely nothing was accomplished. I don't thinkk I would ever be able to be President. I'm, probably going to work in a grocery store all my life... 0_o
Permalink
| January 9, 2010, 11:36 pm
Three guys were drivin around in the desert when all of a sudden the car runs out of gas and dies. Then they decided to walk to the nearest Gas Station, which was a few hours away. Anyway, one guy says "since this is gonna be a long walk we should take something with us."
One guy says "I'm taking the passenger seat, just jncase I get tired I can sit down for a minute."
The second guy says "I'll take the radio with me so we have something to listen to while we walk."
the third guy says "I'm taking the car door with me, so that way when it gets hot, I can roll down the window."
Permalink
| January 12, 2010, 12:21 pm
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