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A space sci-fi epic (need title)
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O.k. I am going to start my story. So here it is! I have two creations for this. They are in the folder "book" NOTE This is the 2nd edited version.

It takes place in the future 4018. The Earth is now peaceful and they have colonized the moon and Mars. The main character is Skullosis, a king of an evil planet. 18 years prior his father had been killed while being crowned king of a peaceful farming planet. Earth destroyed the plant and they found them selves on their new planet.

Skullosis grunted. He disliked Earth more than anything, after what they did to him. Just thinking about it gave him chills. He was deep in thought about his family when a messenger came rushing into the room saying “Sir, there are reports from our spies saying that Earth is in a civil war!”Skullosis had waited five years for an opportunity like this to occur. “Arm all the fighters, board all the ships, and prepare the Eye of Darkness! We attack now! Oh and messenger, may I have a word with you?” The messenger, extremely surprised stepped forward and said “Why yes Sir. What would you like?” Skullosis had played him into his hands. He had a “surprise” he wanted to share. “Messenger, I have no use for you now. Goodbye, and have a wonderful day.” The messenger, quite surprised by these words started to say “Sir, what do yo…!” He never had the chance to finish his sentence. Skullosis had hit a hidden button on his throne. The messenger fell through a hole that appeared in the floor. The messenger screamed, but only for a second before hitting the ground with a deafening thud. “Let the scremarats get him.” With that, Skullosis left.
Skullosis headed to the bridge of his capital ship “The Eye of Darkness”. To actually get to the ship he had to take a floating vehicle similar to a trolley. He arrived at the ship and made his way in through the hanger. He headed towards an electrovator, a sort of elevator that uses static electricity to propel you up by using the uniforms, which hold a static charge. A worker who asked what was happening stopped him. Skullosis replied to his question by say “We are about to attack Earth, and if everything goes according to plan, I shall have my revenge!” The worker was suddenly giddy for some reason. Skullosis shrugged it off, and went up to the bridge.
When he arrived everyone there saluted in respect. Skullosis’s first words there were “Status report Commander Gref. I want it fast! We need to hurry, or everything could go wrong!” Commander Gref had just been promoted to the rank of Commander, he was relatively scrawny and his presence did not demand respect. The Commander cleared his throat and managed to whisper these few words “We are-are rea-ea-ea-dyfo-fo-rta-a-ake off S-s-ir.” Skullosis not pleased with his performance said “That was not satisfactory, you are no longer Commander, now you will have to die for that.” Skullosis then proceeded to shoot him with his sleek Gamma laser pistol.
He sat down in his seat and the ship’s computer greeted him with a metallic female voice saying “Good day Skullosis, what are we doing today? Choose either A) Destroy Earth, B) Prepare a new weapon on Fransk or C) Take a joy ride. Skullosis laughed heartily and said “A computer, now how long until we are there?” The computer replied “About five hours sir, do you want some relaxing music while you wait?” Skullosis was getting nowhere so he said “Just take off, I have my own business to attend to.”
Skullosis headed to his private armory to polish his armor and clean his weapons. He headed over to a cabinet with the cleaners in it. He picked up the one that was labeled “Skullosis’s own weapon cleaning brand.” His personal brand was marketed to all the inhabitants of Surgut, the planet he ruled. His own private stock had a special ingredient, it made the weapon fire poison with the laser blasts. Meaning, even if you are just wounded you will die no matter what. The poison he uses was regrel, native to a moon of Surgut. It tears apart the skin and infects the wound. It makes you have unbearable pain, and your skin peels off. Eventually, about thirty minutes after the poison is used, the person goes mentally insane and blind. About an hour later the person dies. “Skullosis had used rigorous testing for this. He found it was a great way to execute traitors.
Taking out a rag Skullosis squirted a small amount of the solution on to the rag and started rubbing the inside of the barrel of the gun. He sat there thinking, every few minutes he sighed deeply. He was thinking about his family, his mother the most. He remembered her singing to him when he was feeling bad, or when he had a nightmare. He remembered her cooking, especially her wigwar pie. He remembered running around with his brothers and play fighting with fake swords and guns. Whenever he won they had to do his chores for him, which was milking the cows, Spacemoos as he called them, gathering the eggs from the chickens, he called them little egg layers, and making sure that the sheep, walking clouds to him, were locked up. Now he would have his revenge.
Just then a soldier came in “Sir, do you want us to put all shields to the front?”
Skullosis ferociously replied, “No, keep the shields as they are! No more speak of it! Is that clear?” The soldier replied swiftly “But si…”, but he was cut off. Skullosis who was not amused fired his gun at point blank range. Skullosis scoffed “Let that teach you not to bother me with such petty things! Guards! Take the body away and throw it into the trash disposer. I have no use for him now.”
Skullosis walked back to the bridge and sat down. The navigator Sergeant Kjan, gave him a status report “Sir, we are now almost at Earth. There are about five more minutes left until arrival. Do you need anything Sir?” Skullosis wanting to get to the battle replied sharply “No.” Skullosis sat down in his captain’s chair. He sat down and typed in a command on the computer to his right. An entire control panel lit up as a result. “Voiceover on” The words came from an unusual source, Skullosis’s helmet. A curious crewmember asked, “What is that Sir?” Skullosis reluctantly said, “It is a new feature I installed in my armor. I now have technologically advanced weapons and armor. The new motherboards I installed have a voice over. All I have to do for it to work is think and the suit will do it for me. For example,” Skullosis slid the helmet onto his head and there was a hiss. The metallic male voice over said, “Attack crewmember.” The crewmember was very surprised by this and said “huh? Sir, what is the mea…?” He never finished. The man was thrown across the room when Skullosis charged at him shoulder first. Skullosis threw punch after punch. Skullosis asked, “Have you had enough?” The crewmember scared to die said, “Yes, Sir” with a heavy breathing “That suit is amazing Sir. We surely will win the battle.” His first answer locked in his fate. Skullosis started kicking and kicking him. Skullosis picked him up and threw him across the room. The crewmember hit a support column, which broke his spine. The crewmember’s body lay in a heap on the ground. Skullosis slid the helmet off and snapped, “Let that be a lesson to all of you not to ask questions! Is that understood?” The entire crew in the bridge stood up and unanimously said, “That is understood Sir!” Skullosis pleased with the answer said, “Get back to work.”
Sergeant Kjan spoke almost immediately after, “Sir, we have arrived.” An evil grin crept over Skullosis’s face and he said, “Prepare all battlestations. It’s time.” Sergeant Kjan walked away to get to his station.
Skullosis got his first view of the space around Earth. For some reason there was no fighting going on. He thought there must be some fighting here. He expected lasers and explosions! Where were they? And if they had not heard of the fighting, how did he get the news? Skullosis shrugged the thought off and continued on farther. He saw all kinds of starships that were part of Earth’s Space Navy. They created a sort of path for him and his armada. He felt no pity in what he was about to do. He thought he saw some laser blasts fly by. Again he saw some and they hit the Eye of Darkness. The entire ship was jolted forward. All the lights were blinking and there was beeping everywhere. There was nonstop movement. A soldier shouted “Sir, the main gun is gone. It received a direct hit!” Someone else shouted “Sir, we are losing altitude FAST!” another soldier shouted “Sir, There is a large blast heading our way!” It hit with only that warning. There was a large flash and everything went black in the bridge. Many people died from the initial blast. “Sir, the death toll in the bridge is 20.” Skullosis surprised by this replied “Yes, can we continue?” the crewmember replied “No sir, we are sitti…” Another large blast rocked the ship. Skullosis blacked out. He woke up to a surprise.


Permalink
| January 15, 2010, 5:03 pm
Can someone please give some constructive criticism?
Permalink
| January 15, 2010, 5:51 pm
A little more backstory would be good. Why does he dislike the Earth, that sort of thing. Throw in some supplementary descriptions of the action and the settings (the story is moving a little too quickly.) It's a fine line between too fast and too slow that you'll learn to tread after experience. More characters would help also (you might want to add the conversation between him and the messenger). I don't want you to take any of that the wrong way, now. I do like that question of doubt he has for a moment. I don't want to go overboard with this, but you should also try to get hold of Heinlein's and Asimov's early "juvenile" sci fi works, such as Lucky Starr (by Asimov), The Roliing Stones or Starbeast (both by Heinlein). They're not complicated stories but they have great pacing and characterization. They're good examples of story telling.
Permalink
| January 16, 2010, 6:36 pm
Quoting robert ball
A little more backstory would be good. Why does he dislike the Earth, that sort of thing. Throw in some supplementary descriptions of the action and the settings (the story is moving a little too quickly.) It's a fine line between too fast and too slow that you'll learn to tread after experience. More characters would help also (you might want to add the conversation between him and the messenger). I don't want you to take any of that the wrong way, now. I do like that question of doubt he has for a moment. I don't want to go overboard with this, but you should also try to get hold of Heinlein's and Asimov's early "juvenile" sci fi works, such as Lucky Starr (by Asimov), The Roliing Stones or Starbeast (both by Heinlein). They're not complicated stories but they have great pacing and characterization. They're good examples of story telling.

Thank you
Permalink
| January 16, 2010, 10:53 pm
Quoting Matthew Novosad
Can someone please give some constructive criticism?

I agree with Robert, a bit more backstory and where are you going to take the story? Can not really suggest a title until I know a bit more about the story.
Permalink
| January 20, 2010, 12:45 pm
Quoting Mister Bones
I agree with Robert, a bit more backstory and where are you going to take the story? Can not really suggest a title until I know a bit more about the story.

I will edit the story soon. Just wait. It will Be epic!
Permalink
| January 20, 2010, 6:58 pm
I edited it! Much bigger now!
Permalink
| January 22, 2010, 8:25 pm
Quoting Matthew Novosad
I edited it! Much bigger now!

It is coming along quite well.
Permalink
| January 26, 2010, 3:11 pm
Quoting Mister Bones
It is coming along quite well.

I think I will start part two now.
Permalink
| January 26, 2010, 3:14 pm
Quoting Matthew Novosad
I think I will start part two now.

Are you typing this up in word to get all the spelling, etc correct?
Permalink
| January 26, 2010, 3:19 pm
Quoting Mister Bones
Are you typing this up in word to get all the spelling, etc correct?

Yep.
Permalink
| January 26, 2010, 3:20 pm
Here is part 2! Enjoy!




As Skullosis got up he looked around himself. He was in a field. He realized he had fallen. He saw his old house, himself in the past and his family. He looked at himself and he was wearing farmhand clothes. He then realized he had been transported back in time .He started to walk around. His mother approached him. She was short but had looked like she had been working animals for her entire life. She said to him that he should go take a shower in the house and change for the events of the night and that a fresh suit was on his bed. At first he did not realized that she had been talking to him. The day seemed strange. He walked into the kitchen and looked at the Gregorian date. July 4th, 4000. He thought for a second on what happened on this day. He wanted to get out of here and NOW! He thought to make a run for it. No, he thought. Maybe if I just go with the flow of events he would be taken back. He showered and changed in to a fine suit. As he walked out of the house the cool evening breeze hit him. It felt very good compared to the humid climate of Cliffonia. He walked towards his father. The man was well built, strong and looked like a good athlete. His father said to go lock up the animals before they left.

To get to the ceremony they had to take an old fashioned horse and buggy in the fashion of the old kings. He did not say a word. He remembered that the farm hand that they had did the same thing. Then he thought he remembered the face. His, if he did everything as close to possible as in the past he might be returned. He took a deep breath and looked out the window. He saw the fields and houses pass. Then he thought he saw something low on the horizon. It looked like an Earth Capital ship of the time. He was told they were about to get to the ceremony.

They arrived. As they took their seats near the front he thought he heard something. The scout ships he thought. He thought to himself they had no idea what was about to happen. He suddenly became sad. He didn’t want to die or leave. He was a lot happier here. He missed the long days in the sun and the sounds of nature, But most of all, his family. He waited as the ceremony dragged on. It was sort of like a wedding. It dragged on and on for about 3 hours the crown was about to be placed on his father’s head.





4TH Wall Commentary: This is a very fun story to write. As with my opinion of time travel you will find out in the next part. I like cliffhangers because they make you want more. So that is the second in the entire story. When I get some responses to this part I will start to write the next part. Oh, and that date is very ironic isn’t it?

Permalink
| January 26, 2010, 3:46 pm
Quoting Matthew Novosad
Here is part 2! Enjoy!




As Skullosis got up he looked around himself. He was in a field. He realized he had fallen. He saw his old house, himself in the past and his family. He looked at himself and he was wearing farmhand clothes. He then realized he had been transported back in time .He started to walk around. His mother approached him. She was short but had looked like she had been working animals for her entire life. She said to him that he should go take a shower in the house and change for the events of the night and that a fresh suit was on his bed. At first he did not realized that she had been talking to him. The day seemed strange. He walked into the kitchen and looked at the Gregorian date. July 4th, 4000. He thought for a second on what happened on this day. He wanted to get out of here and NOW! He thought to make a run for it. No, he thought. Maybe if I just go with the flow of events he would be taken back. He showered and changed in to a fine suit. As he walked out of the house the cool evening breeze hit him. It felt very good compared to the humid climate of Cliffonia. He walked towards his father. The man was well built, strong and looked like a good athlete. His father said to go lock up the animals before they left.

To get to the ceremony they had to take an old fashioned horse and buggy in the fashion of the old kings. He did not say a word. He remembered that the farm hand that they had did the same thing. Then he thought he remembered the face. His, if he did everything as close to possible as in the past he might be returned. He took a deep breath and looked out the window. He saw the fields and houses pass. Then he thought he saw something low on the horizon. It looked like an Earth Capital ship of the time. He was told they were about to get to the ceremony.

They arrived. As they took their seats near the front he thought he heard something. The scout ships he thought. He thought to himself they had no idea what was about to happen. He suddenly became sad. He didn’t want to die or leave. He was a lot happier here. He missed the long days in the sun and the sounds of nature, But most of all, his family. He waited as the ceremony dragged on. It was sort of like a wedding. It dragged on and on for about 3 hours the crown was about to be placed on his father’s head.





4TH Wall Commentary: This is a very fun story to write. As with my opinion of time travel you will find out in the next part. I like cliffhangers because they make you want more. So that is the second in the entire story. When I get some responses to this part I will start to write the next part. Oh, and that date is very ironic isn’t it?

Not bad at all. Will you be creating any MOCs from this?
Permalink
| January 27, 2010, 9:51 am
Quoting Mister Bones
Not bad at all. Will you be creating any MOCs from this?

Most likely. Just gotta finish sorting the collection, and for my mom's paypal account to open so I get get a lot of stuff from bricklnk.
Permalink
| January 27, 2010, 4:03 pm
Now you're cooking. This is much better. Skullosis has more depth now; he's not just a cardboard character. He has motivation and your presentation of the backstory is firming up nicely. I'm looking forward to the next installment. You should be aware that this will not be your final draft of the tale; later you'll want to come back and edit a bit, adding or subtracting details so as to make the story more interesting and attention getting. But that's then. The important thing now is to get the story down. Another little tip is to carry around a notepad and pen, if you don't already. An idea might spring out any time or any where.
Permalink
| January 31, 2010, 1:52 pm
Robert pegged it, what he said.
Permalink
| February 1, 2010, 2:35 pm
Quoting Mister Bones
Robert pegged it, what he said.

I re-edited part one. I added a lot!
Permalink
| March 12, 2010, 8:39 pm
Anyone got anything on the fully edited part one?
Permalink
| May 6, 2010, 3:56 pm
Quoting Matthew Novosad
Anyone got anything on the fully edited part one?

Where is it?
Permalink
| May 6, 2010, 4:43 pm
Quoting Mister Bones
Where is it?

At the top, I edited the comment with part one and added all the stuff I typed up in word.
Permalink
| May 6, 2010, 4:46 pm
Quoting Matthew Novosad
Quoting Mister Bones
Where is it?

At the top, I edited the comment with part one and added all the stuff I typed up in word.

Good start! Leaves the reader engaged and wanting to find out what happened. If to typed it word, remember to run the full spell and grammar check. Question: Do you live in the US?
Permalink
| May 6, 2010, 5:02 pm
Quoting Mister Bones
Good start! Leaves the reader engaged and wanting to find out what happened. If to typed it word, remember to run the full spell and grammar check. Question: Do you live in the US?

Yes I do. In CT.
Permalink
| May 6, 2010, 5:04 pm
Hey everyone, this story is on standby as I work on my E.N.W.G. Journal Entries.
Permalink
| July 10, 2010, 10:14 am
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