The McNeely Furniture Company shows off its first collection of furniture in a lengthy "text infomercial."
About this creation
A collection of my current batch of Lego furniture, featuring mostly modern-style pieces.
I do not ask that you give me credit if you use these designs, but please, do not claim them as your own.
I hope you can appreciate my sarcastic humor, and I apologize for the quality of photography.
David, Your Salesman
"Hello there! I'm David McNeely, your Lego salesman. Here we have a great selection of chairs, sofas, and whatnot. So come on, let me help you go broke spending all your money!"
The Whole Set
The "McNeely Furniture Company" started up with the design of a black sofa and two black chairs for the Virtual Insanity Diorama, and eventually expanded to offer new furniture!
Set #1 consists of:
Three lounge chairs (two black, one white),
A chaise lounge chair (white with black stripes),
Two sofas (black and yellow),
Two coffee tables (black, white),
Two end tables (white),
An "egg" chair (white),
A modern-abstract "tree light,"
A shelving unit with a DVD player and surround system console,
A table lamp (white),
And a flat-screen television with surround speakers and subwoofer.
"As you can see, these sofas are verrrry comfortable, and easily seat me and my square hind."
"Of course, all McNeely sofas feature removable cushions, in case you need to wash some embarrassing stains off of them.
Hey look! I found some loose change underneath this yellow couch! You'd think the size of these coins would move the cushion up a bit..."
"And, of course, you can spice or, 'mellow out,' haha, your room with these lovely decorative pillows. Choose this set over here if you like arrows! Choose the set over there if you like grids!"
More Decorative Pillows
"Here are two more sets of decorative pillows you may purchase to add personality to your room, since you obviously are unable to add it to yourself.
Choose this three-pillow set here for a Japanese black-and-white tea room feeling.
Or, if you're one of those in the pretentious crowd and want to prove to your friends that you've been to a museum at least once in your life, choose these artsy pillows, inspired by the artwork of... Um... Stephen Hawking."
"Of course, McNeely Furniture offers more than just great sofas. We also offer just-as-great chairs (depending on what South Asian country it's made in...)!
To the left of your screen is the boxy "Absolut Modern" style, and before me is the smoother "Modern Classic" style. Both chairs are upholstered in the basic "Modern Black," but they are available in many other colors!"
White Modern Chair
"Colors like white! Technically, white is not a color, but ignore that! For a limited time, the "Brilliant White" color is sponsored by Rory from MOCtag! The luminance of the material matches Rory's pristine white feathers.
...Wait, what? You're not Rory? You're his stunt double? David didn't have any orange cheese slopes? Ah, I see. Well, you're non-union, so we get to dock your pay now!
As you'll see in a moment, you can also choose fabric covers to accentuate your chairs!
"We have a great amount of fabric covers you can drape over your chairs to 'spice them up' a bit! Here you see the 'X-Streem' cover, with its black-and-silver finish, certainly making it extreme. Why, it would go perfectly with your two-sizes-too-big black shirt with a silver dragon on it!"
"What's that, Bob? ...Really? Weird.
...Well, hello again. My producer has informed me that I have mysteriously turned into Blue Star Racer.
Or is it such a mystery? Maybe it's because right here I've got another McNeely chair fabric cover. If you're a car or racing enthusiast, you'll love the special Über-Limited Edition Racing cover! The rear cushion looks like it was run over by a giant tire, while we custom-design the arm covers off of your own or a favorite license plate! Finally, the bottom cushion is graced by the insignia of one of our licensed automotive manufacturers! You may not have the motor skills for racing, but you can feel like you do with this chair!"
"I offered to put blackface on for the showing of this cover, but Bob, my producer, said it was in bad taste for some reason.
But anyway, if you like types of African tribal insignias and symbols, this three-tone Super-Limited Edition African cover is right for you! The gorgeous pattern, woven directly in Africa, sits in the middle, while black goes up and around, white reaches to the arms, and the orange stretches like African sand across the bottom cushion.
I'm still disappointed about that blackface..."
"We all have that inner yearning to be a spaceship pilot. I myself know, that dream is what led me to become Captain Blue Star. But I digress...
For you Star Wars fans out there, we have this totally-unlicensed Ultra-Limited Edition Star Wars Pilot cover! Strap in, and you can feel like you're actually in the cockpit during the hyperspeed segments!"
"When you need to convince that 'special woman you picked up off the street' that you're a real rich G Balla, the Mega-Limited Edition Pimpin' cover is here! Just like your clothes, the colors and patterns of this cover clash (and make you look like a moron...)!
The rear cushion looks like C-Notes, the bottom cushion shows your 'animality,' the back of the armrests (embellished in fake gold) shine like gold, and if yo girl ain't convinced you Supafly-TNT white gold, the arm caps tell her that you be numbuh one. Maybe wit the chair you get her pregnant, Juno-style! Sheeez, this chair so pimpin' it changed mah di-uh-lect! Yea!"
"Of course, all McNeely chairs feature removable cushions, in case you need to quickly hide your pot. Hey look! I found a hundred-note underneath this chair! This can be traded in for the pot you can hide under the chair cushion!"
"Are classic, 'normal' designs too conformist for you? McNeely Furniture also makes stuff that goes against the grain, just like you. Listen to your Fusion Jazz and Lou Reed's Metal Machine Music in comfort with these two chairs in McNeely's upcoming "Nü Series" of furniture.
The egg chair abandons all traditional chair concepts, able to revolve yet remain in the same position.
The modernized chaise lounge is designed by a Swedish design team to provide ultimate ergonomic comfort. Granted, to sit in the chair, you'll have to lay in an odd, visually awkward position: You'll be comfortable, but no one looking at you will be, but you don't give a crap about what anyone else thinks, right?"
"The chaise lounge chair folds up for easy storage, while the egg chair resembles a squared circle. What more could you desire?"
"Maybe you desire coffee! Everyone loves coffee! And because of this undeniable fact, McNeely Furniture has designed two tables to properly hold Columbia's second-finest export. Available in many colors, you have the choice of a single- or triple-pane table. They're also good for action movies, if you need something for someone to smash through."
"McNeely Furniture also designs end tables to accentuate your personal furniture. A square design matches our couches, while the thinner, single-pane table is well paired with our chaise lounge chair."
"McNeely has also started work on a line of decorative lamps. To the left you see a beautiful white table lamp, and to the right you see our darkly-styled modern-abstract 'Tree Lamp.' The bulbs used in these lamps are such a shape that they must be made exclusively by McNeely Furniture (for a hefty profit, heh heh heh...) and can be bought through this television offer or through our website."
How It's Done: Sharp Objects
"Apparently, some of those that have ordered the table lamp have reported some build issues involving sharp objects. The government has gone so far to force McNeely Furniture to subject itself to a recall of all its table lamps for reported 'child endangerment.' What a load of bullsh-" -cuts microphone-
"McNeely Furniture has recently negotiated an agreement with a..." -reads cue card- "A company called 'GoldStar.' Hmm, sounds dependable. Well, anyway, McNeely Furniture is now able to sell not only furniture but home electronics, as well!
Here you see our Home Entertainment System, featuring a large LCD monitor with built-in speakers, a DVD player, a 5.1 surround sound console with DTS and Dolby Surround capability, and a Universal remote to control it all!
Are you thinking 'it must be too expensive?' Just think about it my way; 'After you make your payments it's free!!' So why not pick up the phone and call now?!"
Using the TV
"McNeely sofas work great in combination with the home entertainment system! The provided universal remote is compatible not only with the TV, DVD player, and surround sound system, it also works with your TV service boxes as well! Right now I'm using it to do program searches through the cable box.
Oh look! Johnny Thunder's Home Movies is on! No, not those kinds of home movies!"
"Well, my friends, it is time that I bid you all farewell.
Before we go, I must not neglect to show you our last table, used in the studio to hold the DVD player, surround sound console, and a few of our favorite por- Uhh... Studio Ghibli films. Hey look! I found a gold ingot wedged between the copy of Pantyshots Galore III-Kiki's Delivery Service and The Girl Next Door 7-My Neighbor Totoro! Maybe if you buy this table, you can find one too!*"