Phoenix 571 . "Lay down my dear brother, lay down and take your rest..." .
Well paste-eaters, the worst has come to pass. Are you sitting down? Good. Here it is: AWARD WINNING micro-metropolis Shannonia is no more. Now there’s no need to cry; here, have a tissue. How did this atrocity happen? Well, let’s just say the “mayor” of Shannonia stumbled home very drunk one night recently and in his mint-julep induced stupor mistook the Shannonia moc sitting on his desk for a filthy skunk, hurling said moc out the window in into the cold north western snow (the irony of this being the “Skunkworks” is not lost on me I can assure you dear reader). When the “mayor” awoke next morning he was devastated but rather than wallow in self-pity he vowed that a new microcity shall arise from the ashes of Shannonia. So behold: Phoenix 571, a bustling alien metropolis on a planet far, far away. Let me show you around...
The seas of Phoenix 571 are blood red due to the high oxide levels. The busy city streets are set well back from the ocean wall, save for a “laserhouse”. Similar to a terrestrial lighthouse, a laserhouse is used to actively protect shipping lanes rather than passively shining a light. You see, large sea turtles gather near the shores and poke their jagged shells up into the path of ships, feasting on the unlucky shipwrecked sailors. The laserhouse uses its high energy particle beam to vaporise any giant sea turtles attempting to wreck Phoenix ships.
You may know him as the immortal Egyptian sun-god Ra, but his real name is Terry, well, that’s what the locals call him. This is his summerhouse.
The Phoenix Interstellar Stadium is located next to the Park of Remembrance of Lost Mocs. Zero-gravity football is played here. The Detroit Lions moved here after rioting crowds of fans eventually evicted them from Earth in 2053.
Close to the shoreline we have of course a Honeybee Casino, which long time fans of the show my remember from my first ever Shannonia post. While behind it resides the Phoenix University. Mandatory English classes are held here for every Phoenixian, for, as is common knowledge, all alien races are forced to speak English. Don’t believe me? Watch any Star Trek episode.
Phoenix Aquapartments: completely water filled condos, a favourite of aquatic bound aliens, less popular with those races who enjoy breathing air.
Here we see the Gemini Nightclubs: Gemini Red for homosexuals and Gemini Blue for straight. Color coded to avoid confusion between species. Or is it Gemini Red for straight...?
On the left Goldman Towers Resort, now with 20% more smack and on the right: Blacktron Intelligence Agency, Phoenix Branch.
After the disastrous explosion at Skunk Base Alpha, it was decided that it’s beautiful and well-known Red Towers should be rebuilt here on Phoenix 571 as a monument to that great moc, I mean, city.
Ivory Tower Mercy hospital is on our left; elegant and humane hospital to the Phoenixian elite. If you have a life threatening illness but lost your wallet, go find a gutter somewhere to die in. Next door is the enigmatic Black Tower. The occupants and their purpose is still a complete mystery. No one has ever discovered what goes on inside but it must be something evil-I mean, c’mon, look at it!
And just what alien future city would be complete without a Classic Space Hotel? None, that’s what!
And all too soon our tour-shuttle gently hovers away, affording you one last look at Phoenix 571. Please place all empty paste jars in the waste bins provided and restore your meaningless lives to their original position. Have a nice day!