LIU Atlas - Boletus . There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas. . LIU Atlas - Boletus
The Ludgonian Industrial Union's galaxy contains billions of stars and billions of planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.
Doog: "Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I'm your host, Terrance "Doog" McDoogal. Today, we are here on the planet Boletus. Boletus orbits the star Agaricum, which is positioned on the extreme outer rim of the LIU Galaxy. Boletus is listed as a primitive world and is protected by the LIU Planetary Protection Act. All visitors are forbidden from bringing any forms of technology, especially lights. We've received special permission to film this location."
Doog: "I've been given very little information about this location, but I was told I could find my guide near the large white dome. This mushroom hut was the closest thing to a white dome that I could find. Hopefully, I'll find my guide inside."
Doog: "Hey there, I'm Doog. Are you my guide?"
Jaspero: "If you seek guidance, my friend, then yes, I am your guide."
Doog: "Err.. yeah whatever. I'll wait here while you get your shirt."
Jaspero: "No, no, my friend. I do not burden my chest with garments from the establishment."
Doog: "Oh yeah, then why do burden your legs with pants? And your eyes with sunglasses?"
Jaspero: "Whoa, that's deep Doog. Shall I remove my pants?"
Doog: "NO! Just forget it. Shirtless is fine. What's your name?"
Jaspero: "I've dropped the name that was forced upon me at birth, and now, I'm known as Jaspero."
Doog: "Just out of curiosity, what name was forced upon you at birth?"
Doog: "So you added an "o". Wow...way to show them who's boss..."
Doog: "Anyway, Jaspero, why do live in a freaking mushroom? To be honest, I half expected a Smurf to answer the door."
Jaspero: "The question answers itself Doog."
Doog: "Actually, it doesn't. Seriously, why mushrooms?"
Jaspero: "Well, why not? They are abundant here in the marshy plains. The shelter us from the elements and they serve as nourishment. In return, we nourish them with our excrement. It's a perfect symbiotic relationship."
Doog: "I really don't think the mushroom enjoys that relationship, Jaspero. Come on, let's get out of here."
Doog: "So where are we headed?"
Jaspero: "Well, Doog, I thought we'd visit the Hippie Convent on the other side of the jungle."
Doog: "How big is this jungle, I don't feel like doing to much walking?"
Jaspero: "It's not too big. Jungles like these don't last long enough to expand too much."
Doog: "What do you mean they don't last long enough?"
Jaspero: "Well, Doog, Creeper Trees start attacking the other trees in the jungle after they reach a certain height. They don't last long after that."
Doog: "Creeper Trees?"
Jaspero: "See that twisting tree behind you? That's a Creeper Tree. They are parasitic species that grow around full grown trees, using them to reach the canopy. Slowly, they choke the host trees out. All that is left is the hollow Creeper Tree. The Creeper Trees die out a few years after sexual maturity. The decomposing host trees and Creeper Trees spur the growth of the large mushrooms you've seen. The mushrooms eventually run out of decomposing materials, die, and new forests are born. It's the great circle of life."
Doog: "Thatís creepy. Get it? Creepy? Huh? Huh?"
Jaspero: "Well Doog, we're now here at the Hippie Convent."
Doog: "Yeah, Hippie Convent, you were saying that earlier. What's that?"
Jaspero: "Well Doog, Hippies, like myself, have been prosecuted across the LIU for decades. So we've set up Convents, or settlements, on protected planets like Boletus. As long as we don't use any technology, the LIU doesn't bother us."
Doog: "I find that hard to believe. I mean, I've never known the LIU to allow its citizens to exist without making some sort of profit."
Jaspero: "Well Doog, it's true. We don't make any profit for the LIU. We only produce what we need to survive."
Doog: "And you need Hookah's to survive?"
Jaspero: "Why yes we do Doog. Yes we do."
Doog: "And what is this?"
Jaspero: "This is our embassy. This where all of our brethren come when they arrive on Boletus. They stay here until a Mushroom Hut can be hollowed out for them."
Doog: "Whoa! Jaspero, I knew it! There are Smurfs here!"
Jaspero: "What? No Doog, that's a Frumsarian from the planet Frums. They've agreed to give up all their possessions and join our Convent."
Doog: "Yeah whatever Smurf Lover. Let's move on."
Doog: "We're now deep in the marshes of Boletus. What are these guys doing Jaspero?"
Jaspero: "Well Doog, we get no support from the LIU, and that means that we must gather our own food. We've found that these underwater tubers have all the nutrients one needs to survive."
Doog: "Really? I hope they taste better than they look."
Jaspero: "Not on their own, but they taste great with mushrooms."
Doog: "Mushrooms? You don't eat the mushrooms you live in, do you?"
Jaspero: "No, we grow our own special mushrooms. Would you like to see one of our farms?"
Doog: "Let's do it."
Jaspero: "We grow our own special flavors of mushrooms in underground chambers like this."
Jaspero: "The humidity is easier to control down here."
Jaspero: "The mushrooms are grown with our own special blend of fertilizer."
Jaspero: "When they mature, they are boxed up and transported to the Convents."
Doog: "What kind of fertilizer do you guys use?"
Jaspero: "Well, Doog, we use a nice blend of rotting vegetation and manure."
Doog: "Manure? I haven't seen any large animals running around this planet."
Jaspero: "We use human waste."
Doog: "Jaspero, that is sick. I can't believe you eat that stuff."
Jaspero: "You should try one Doog."
Doog: "No way. I'm not eating a mushroom grown in human waste. Wait...my producer is telling me that my contract requires that I eat any locally grown food offered to me. Well isn't that great. Well, here I go."
Doog: "Hmmm...that isn't half bad. Wait, what's that tingling sensation I'm feeling? Why are you guys smirking..."
Doog: "Jaspero! You didn't tell me these were Psilocybin Mushrooms!"
Jaspero: "Hehehe. Yep, we crossbred Psilocybin Mushrooms with the local species, so we can get nutrients while tripping."
Doog: "Jaspero! That.... is..... AWESOME! But seriously, how long is this going to last. I'm never going to finish the show like this."
Jaspero: "Not long Doog. Maybe an hour or two."
Two Hours Later
Doog: "I think I'm back Jaspero. Where have we wandered off to?"
Jaspero: "I'm not sure Doog. You said you were chasing a Smurf and took off running. I've never ventured off this far."
Doog: "There appears to be some technology here. I thought technology was banned Jaspero."
Jaspero: "I'm not sure Doog. I'm like starting to feel some bad vibes."
Scientist: "Doog! Where have you been. I've been waiting here for hours. I told you to find the big white dome."
Doog: "Who are you? And how do you know my name?"
Scientist: "I'm your guide Doog. I've been waiting here forever."
Doog: "But, Jaspero, I thought you were my guide."
Jaspero: "Err...not in the traditional sense. I thought you were seeking spiritual guidance."
Doog: "Ah crap! I've wasted all this time thinking you were my guide. Well, it was fun Jaspero. Maybe I'll stop by for lunch later. If you know what I mean..."
Jaspero: "See ya Doog."
Scientist: "Wow Doog, I can't believe you spent all that time with those Mushroom Hippies. You didn't eat any of their Magic Mushrooms, did you?"
Scientist: "Good. You didn't, you know, engage in any activities with the Hippie Chicks, did you?"
Doog: "No, why do you ask?"
Scientist: "Oh good! We introduced a nasty Cyclopian STD into the Convent a few months ago. We're testing its effects for biological weapons. It's the only reason we tolerate them here."
Doog: "YES! I knew there had to be some sort of profit related activities going on. You've restored my faith in the LIU Scientist Guy."
Doog: "What is your name by the way?"
Avil: "I'm Dr. Avil, Director of Project Almagest."
Doog: "Project Almagest?"
Avil: "Project Almagest is the LIU's quest to create the most accurate Star Map ever. Using telescopes like these, we've managed to image a large chunk of LIU Galaxy."
Doog: "What about the technology ban?"
Avil: "Well Doog, we've imposed the ban to limit light pollution. It allows us to get the clearest images ever."
Doog: "I'm not an expert, but the light reaching these telescopes takes forever to get here. How can you get accurate readings when the farthest star's light takes thousands of years to get here?"
Avil: "Good question Doog. We've placed Almagest Mapping Rings, like this, into Boletus' orbit. These rings use massive amounts of energy to temporarily bend the universe. The images we see from our telescopes are real time."
Doog: "You bend the universe?"
Avil: "Yes Doog. The rings sort of function like your ship's FTL Drive. Your FTL Drive creates a mini-black hole to your destination and you fly through it. The Almagest Mapping Rings do the same thing with light, jumping it right into our telescopes."
Doog: "I'm not sure I get it, but it sure sounds cool. Can we head inside?"
Avil: "There are eight hundred telescopes on the surface of Boletus, and each one contains a Mapping Center, like this, in its basement. Each telescope has been assigned a portion of the LIU Galaxy to map.
Avil: "The center of this room contains a 3D Holographic Projector. Right now, we are watching a massive solar flare erupting from the star Cugis. This flare is the largest we have ever imaged."
Avil: "On this screen, we are watching video of the gas planet Chauka, which orbits Cugis. We are closely monitoring all of Cugis' planets to determine if the solar flare has caused any changes."
Avil: "This screen shows Cugis' local star group. Cugis is near the stars Xelia and Eaker. The number after the star name denotes the star's size."
Avil: "Downstairs, we have another 3D Hologram Room. We use this room to map planetary systems. Go ahead and turn it on Jim."
Avil: "Ah, there we go. We are now looking at the planet Sagewo and its two large moons."
Doog: "That's some cool stuff Dr. Avil, but I'm afraid I wasted too much time with the Hippies. We have to wrap up the show. Thanks for having me."
Doog: "Well folks, Boletus is a strange place. I mean, there are Hippies living in Mushroom Huts right next to a trillion dollar mapping center. There are Magic Mushrooms and Creepy Trees. Well folks, thanks for joining us. Until next time..."
Note: Purchase a Almagest Mapping Ring to spy on your enemies. Remember, One Ring to Rule Them All.