Of Chainsaws and Tuxedos Part 2 . . When we last saw our daring heroes- Oh heck, just go read the Part I if you haven't already.
On the long drive to Leda-Face's secret lair, and with nothing else to do, SigFfej Figgy asks Leda about what prompted her to become a chainsaw-weilding-homocidal-maniac-hell-bent-on-world-domination. Her answer is no less bizarre than what has already befallen SigFfej in the last few hours.
Leda-Face: "It all began with my childhood..."
SigFfej Figgy: "Doesn't it always?"
"My sister, Amber, and I were playing baseball in the front yard with the neighbor kid from down the street."
"Amber was pitching, and just about every kid on the block knew what that meant: Someone was going to go down. Her lightning-fast throws were the bane of any aspiring pro for miles."
"Of course, nobody else expected it half the time from someone her size. I, on the other hand, knew exactly what was coming, and got ready with an almighty wind-up of my own, ready to crack that ball all the way to Australia."
"Alas, young Timmy wasn't prepared for a swing of this magnitude and stood a little closer than was safe for someone as accident-prone as himself."
"Poor kid was laid out flatter than a pancake in a paper press."
"My parents didn't seem terribly pleased about the whole matter, and sent me to my room. If only they had known what I was plotting. I was going to show them all!"
"Emptying out my toy box, I prepared my time capsule and set it to take me back to right before I creamed Timmy. With any luck, I'd be able to alter the time stream and save him a busted face."
"Little did I know that this was only a stepping stone on my eventual path towards a rewarding career of absolute evil! Even at that early age, I had begun talking to myself in the third person. The deviously gleeful laugh was to follow shortly."
"Arriving in the not-too-distant past, I did the first dramatic thing I could think of to permanently change history. I socked Timmy's lights out!"
"I was pretty dang pleased with myself, let me tell you, but again my parents didn't share my feelings on the subject, and I found myself back in my room, and grounded to boot!"
"And that is how it all started. After all of that, it was one thing after another, all culminating in my failure to pass the driving test. I still don't have a license!"
SigFfej: "Really? I never noticed."
Some time later…
Leda-Face: "Here we are! I told you we'd make it. You know, I've really got a sweet setup here, my entire plot is based out of a luxury apartment with an underground lair and a secret tunnel on the third floor!"
SigFfej: "I don't think I'm going to ever take another step in my LIFE! I'd rather spend obscene amounts of money on research to develop a robotic hoverchair powered by my brain waves."
Leda-Face: "That's just wonderful, but I'm sure you can at least manage a few more steps to my lair. Then maybe you can rest for a few seconds."
Leda-Face: "That's strange, I didn't think I left the lights on when I went out earlier..."
SigFfej: "Did you not leave the TV on either? Because it sounds like there's a rather boisterous party going on in there!"
Leda-Face: "You sit tight, I'm going to investigate."
The light and noise did little to prepare Leda-Face for this unquestionably unusual activity! Not only had a number of AFOLs of dubious character crashed her apartment, but they were in the middle of a uproarious shin-kicking contest!
Heath: "That oughta' show ya': Never mess with the peg-leg!"
With Fassio limping off to the kitchen for some ice to put on his leg, the next contestant stepped up to what would have been a kicking contest for the ages had it not been interrupted at that precise moment.
Leda-Face: "Toby! You put TooToo back this instant!"
Toby-Kat: "Squawk all you want, bird, it will do you very little good! Now, for the last time, tell me where she hides the catnip..."
Having been startled out of their little game, the crashers turned at once to face the intruder.
Leda-Face: "Intruder? I live here! Anyway, what are you people doing in my living room?"
Mister Bones: "We just, er, dropped by to see if you wanted to head to the bar with us. You weren't here, so we, uh, decided to wait for you."
Leda-Face: "That so?"
Mister Bones: "It was... Yuri's idea! Yep, definitely Yuri."
Leda-Face: "So, quite a party you have going here."
Mister Bones: "Party? Oh, yeah, I guess it did kind of turn into a sort of party."
Leda-Face: "Obviously. So why's Kelso running around in his boxers?"
Mister Bones: "I don't exactly know. Never even really noticed until now. Why don't you go ask him?"
Leda-Face: "Who in their right mind would want to know?"
Mister Bones: "Well, it's been nice talking to you, but I really need to head back to the new Dem Bones office to finish setting up the studo there. Catch you later!"
Leda-Face: "All right then, I'll go bother Yuri."
Leda-Face: "So, Yuri, what's this I heard about you being responsible for this disgraceful party?"
Yuri: "Since when was I responsible? At any rate, I had nothing to do with it! Who gave you that idea?"
Yuri: "What? So that's why he left so soon! Saying I did it the moment I walk out of the room will he? I'd kick his butt outa' the Olympics if he wasn't a judge already!"
Yuri: "Oh well. Anyway, take this; it's a little device that I invented for my ArcheoGenis troops. You use it to shock your enemies and it also comes with a built-in probe that detects others in the immediate vicinity. I made it trans-neon green so that it glows under a blacklight. Everything looks cooler under a blacklight."
From his vantage point in the secret tunnel, SigFfej watches the malevolent machinations of Leda and Yuri with extreme interest. And what a surprise! Could this be the incriminating evidence that proves that Yuri was behind all of this?
Yuri: "Mind if I take a seat? Of course you don't. Who decorated this place anyway? I hope it wasn't you, because this is one ugly chair!"
Strolling over to the mantelpiece, Leda nonchalantly presses a concealed button, activating the rockets on the "Ugly chair" and Yuri is catapulted through the ceiling and subsequent stratosphere on the ejector seat.
Turning around, Leda found herself closer to Heath Flor than she really cared to be at any given moment.
Leda-Face: "You smell like a brewery, distillery, and a wine cellar all in one! How much have you had to drink?"
Heath: "Hey, whash is you doin' ashking me to figger out shome fanshy-schmanschy algebra equayshun? I can't count pasht fifty! Anywaysh, I's was gonna pour me another an' th' keg wash empty, so I'ma dishing' up th' dregs."
Leda-Face: "What a loser. I guess that's what happens when you're a land-locked pirate living in Arizona."
Leda-Face: "I wonder if Heath's ever read The Cask of Amontillado? Not that he'd make for a very fetching Fortunato."
Mister Bones: "Hey, Leda-"
Leda-Face: "AAAAHHHHH! Er, hi, Bones, I was just leaning on this here keg! Nobody's in it! I mean- Who said anything about Heath in a keg? I didn't! What do you want?"
Mister Bones: "Um, I just needed to use the restroom - you know how drinks go straight through me - and I figured I'd grab one for the road. That and I left my keys on the table."
Mister Bones: "Oh, and I almost forgot: Here's a little gift from me to you. I'd been wanting to use it in an MOC, but I haven't had time, so you can have it. It glows under a blacklight, and you know how much we like backlights at Dem Bones. Go ahead, try it out."
Having fallen a victim to the compelling powers of utter exhaustion, SigFfej misses Mister Bones's statement. Could he have been the culprit? Our villain may never find out now!
Leda-Face: "It was an accident, I swear!"
Mister Bones: "Why does this have to happen every time we both feature in the same MOC?"
Leda-Face: "It's not like I could just sweep that under the rug!"
Leda-Face: "Kelso, don't lean on that-"
The unfortunate demise of Mark left only Shannon Young Ocean, the formidable Aussie, to be dealt with.
Leda-Face: "So, Ocean, how's everything going? You haven't said much tonight. Is something wrong?"
ShannO: "Aint' nothing wrong, lassie, I'm just stuck 'ere in the States with an Italian, a Skeleton, an Artist, a Pirate from the desert, and a wannabe Cartoonist."
Leda-Face: "Is that all?"
ShannO: "Oy, there is one other thing. I'm being interrogated by a crazy Kiwi with a lousy haircut and a freaky face who speaks with a cheap knockoff Aussie accent."
Leda-Face: "I dare you to say that again."
ShannO: "Your accent is a bloody awful imitation of proper Down-Under speech. You southerners are all absolutely crackers."
Leda-Face: "We'll see who's 'round the bend! Just you give me a second and I'll show you."
ShannO: "You're showing me alright. Say, just how did you get out of the looney bin in the first place?"
Unbeknownst to our bold antagonist, the fireplace houses more than one concealed switch.
ShannO: "Chiminy! Who do you think you are, Hearth Vader? Or maybe you've just got the flue! Perhaps you could use a lintel help-"
Leda-Face: "And now for my last victim! Dennis! Wake up and meet your doom! Dennis? Yoohoo! What's wrong with you?"
SigFfej: "I'm afraid he's already dead, Leda."
Leda-Face: "What? No! How could this happen?"
SigFfej: "Darn it, Leda, I'm a dictator, not a doctor! But you need not look any further than his hand for the evidence."
Leda-Face: "You don't mean-"
SigFfej: "Yes, I do. He was murdered in cold blood by his wife; that celery diet would be enough to kill a stronger man than he."
SigFfej: "That was some party you guys had, too bad I had to miss it."
Could it truly be? A three-part episode? How did we even come to that conclusion? And we had hoped he was done! Stay tuned for the conclusion of this fantastic trilogy!
(Sorry this episode was so long, I sort of got carried away.)