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Of Chainsaws and Tuxedos Part 3 . . We could spend our time writing a long paragraph to bring you up to date, but we'd rather sit around and torture Flare, or at least go out and conquer some helpless country, so we'll just give you a link to the previous episode. Leda-Face: "…So did you see Bones and Yuri's hair? What was with that?" SigFfej: "Um… Maybe they dyed it, or perhaps they spent too much time in the sun? Certainly not because my little brother lost the all-important hair piece." Leda-Face: "Yeah, the upstaging of any Evil Empire always seems to begin with family. Anyways, here we are!" Leda-Face: "First we have the Deliberately Unusual Mind Monitoring Yin/Yang Machine. It tests the brainpower of various specimens against each other. I figured it would be senseless to let Dennis go to waste, so today we'll be testing his intellect against the common amanita muscaria, or fly agaric mushroom. Normally, I would worry about getting heads into the DUMMY Machine within a few seconds of the patient's demise, but Dennis has been brain-dead for years now with no apparent ill effects. For this test, they will both be asked a question regarding the rules of South-American banana fencing." Leda-Face: "And the results are in! The mushroom, with a specific IQ of 5.2, has defeated Dennis Price in the first round!" SigFfej: "Sheesh, what kind of a stupid test is this? At this rate, you'll never get around to testing a truly astonishing intellect! I could do better than both of 'em!" Leda-Face: "Okay, you will be asked a question regarding the best opening move you could make in a chess game. Dennis and the mushroom will be white, and you will be black. You will have one minute to think about it." SigFfej: "So… I could move the pawn at the far left out to make room to send out the rook, or perhaps I could bring out my knight without having to break my line of pawns, or I could open a path to spring out my queen… I've decided to move the knight first!" SigFfej: "What! How could I have lost to a mushroom and a pudding-brained cartoonist? I am incomparably smarter than the greatest minds of our times, and these are definitely not them!" Leda-Face: "You obviously don't play much chess, though, or else you'd know that white always moves first." SigFfej: "But there was no brain activity between the two of them!" Leda-Face: "Neither did they try to take your turn. Face it, man, you screwed that one. Moving on…" SigFfej: "Hey! Get me out of here…" Leda-Face: "Here we see one of my latest projects, codenamed A:Domination. It is similar to Dr. Delahay's weaponized animal concept, except that I don't intend for my troops to get blown up. The way I figure it, no-one can resist a kitten, yet they are so deviously wicked underneath all of that adorableness! Place the little kitty in the driver's seat of a menacing Catastrophic Annihilating Terrestrial quad-walker with a load of high-powered cannons, and you've got an unstoppable combination!" Leda-Face: "Here in the front of the mech, we have the Front-Aligned Nimbus-Generating Sabers. They are placed in between the Spitfire Cannons in the head and are capable of biting through plate metal up to an inch thick." Leda-Face: "Here you can see the fully articulated feet. They provide a high level of stability when both moving and participating in paw-to-paw combat. Each foot has a Chromium-Lithium Alloy Wrecking Saber embedded in it for when you're too close to simply blast your enemies without blowing yourself sky-high as well." Leda-Face: "Over the cute, fuzzy head of the driver are mounted two Super-Powered RAY cannons that fire a concentrated beam powerful enough to scare away any enemy and secure their territory for yourself." Leda-Face: "Test-driving this model is my second-in-command, Tobias-Kat. On top of being the cutest creature alive, he is also a brilliant technician who helped design the CAT mech, he also engineered the special Concentrated Accelerating Turbocharged Nitro Infused Petroleum that we use to fuel these gorgeous death-dealing battle machines." Leda-Face: "Imagine, if you will, the world leaders meeting to discuss world peace all in the same room. Then imagine a rat poking it's little head out of an all but invisible mouse-hole with an impossibly humongous bundle of dynamite strapped to it's back! It approaches the president of France, smelling brie and roquefort, and upon reaching his immaculately pressed trouser leg, detonating and taking all of the world's greatest leaders eliminated in one fell swoop, just waiting for someone with a powerful enough army to step into their oversized shoes and take over!" SigFfej: "That's horrible!" Leda-Face: "I know, those little vermin are actually kind of cute. What a shame to blow them up, but I'm not about to use cats to do it! The plan is to teach one rat to run up to people in expensive suits, while the other rat presses the plunger once its partner reaches the target. If they do it right, they are rewarded with a piece of cheese." SigFfej: "Hey, I'm wearing an expensive suit! Get it away from me!" Leda-Face: "Don't worry, we usually don't get the dummy explosives mixed up with the real stuff. Moving on. We'll exit through the door behind you." SigFfej: "What's that?" Leda-Face: "That is the way to Nate's vic-viper hangar, home of some of the greatest ships ever." SigFfej: "Wow. If I wore a hat, I'd remove it in deference." Leda-Face: "In this workroom, we're working on our own miniature variant of the iconic viper. Victor is our test pilot; he flies the craft and helps design each new version. Here, we literally put the Vic in the Viper. Putting the kitty in the cockpit instead of a human pilot means that we can put up smaller ships with more room on board for weaponry." Leda-Face: "This version, the Killer Intercommunicating Turbocharged Triple-phase Engine Nuclear-powered scout vessel, is not prepared to receive weapon systems yet. Right now it is designed to be able to move quickly and in swarms that work together with on-board computer systems that constantly update each other with information regarding the current situation in order to perform complex maneuvers as one unit." Leda-Face: "Here, we are working on our obedience training techniques. Toto is helping invent methods of ensuring absolute compliance. You see, once the world leaders are out of the way, I can't rule all of the countries simultaneously by myself, so I'll put puppet rulers in place, but I'll need a way to make certain that they won't get any big ideas about being able to run things on their own!" SigFfej: "You know, Leda, I really find this all absolutely disgusting." Leda-Face: "What, that I intend to rule the world through men with no will of their own and do what I wish with absolute impunity?" SigFfej: "No, I'm disgusted that you would go to all of that work to kill off Phipson in your Death By Kitty comic only to bring him back for some twisted Silence of the Lambs reference. You and your horror movies…" Leda-Face: "At last, we have reached the heart of my operation and the reason you are here. I know what you're thinking, "This is just like Stuart Delahay's If I Could Invent Anything Mob Rules entry." Well you're wrong. I'm not interested in family and security funded by the government. I'm interested in formulating the greatest world takeover plot of all time!" Leda-Face: "And after a long day of ruthless scheming and wicked cackling, I need some "Me time". A few moments to sit back in my throne and think about my happy place in the back of my mind and de-stress." SigFfej: "But what does this have to do with me?" Leda-Face: "You will massage my feet while I formulate my evil strategies." SigFfej: "WHAT?!" Leda-Face: "You didn't think I needed you for your brains did you? I'd rather team up with Yuri and Bones, if I was the teamwork type! SigFfej: "But one of them kidnapped me, and you bumped them both off!" Leda-Face: "Are you kidding? I put them up to it! I had fully intended to include them in my plans until they demanded a bigger piece of the pie. I didn't like the idea of sharing, being a cat person and all, so they had to go. Now RUB!" Leda-Face: "On second thought, you will have to wait. Someone's tripped my security system, and I'll have to deal with that unfortunate sod first, but when I get back, you'd better rub the lotion on my feet, or else Toto will give you the hose!" Okay, so that's it from me. I'm in college now and won't have time for anything until Christmas break. It's been a fun year and a half of being on MOCpages, but I'm outa' here until further notice. Actually, I intend to hang around, just not build anything. Peace out!


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