'Einsatz' Assault Mech . Hadron Industries presents its latest A.I. driven vertical tank. . Have you ever encountered something you infantry or armor couldn't handle? Is your enemy outdoing you in both style AND firepower? Do you want to leave a wake of stompy destruction a mile wide behind your victorious armies? Are you tired of soldiers getting frightened and running? Then say no more, for we have the answer to your problems! After years of research and development, the engineers here at Hadron Industries have created the 'Einsatz' ('Action' for those of you who don't speak foreigner)Heavy Assault Mecha (HAM, for those of you who don't speak acronym). This mecha is the pinnacle of mobile firepower and A.I. technology, able to lay down a devastating barrage of anti-armor ordinance (Make things go boom, for those of you who don't speak in Technical Terms) that nothing our competitors have can stand up to while browsing the internet and ordering a gift for your wife so YOU DON'T HAVE TO. In fact, we're so certain of your satisfaction we gurantee your money back* in the event that it fails to meet your expectations! Not convinced yet? Let's take a closer look then.
As you can see, this baby's packing some serious firepower. On the right side of the mech (My right, not yours. No, my other right. There ya go!) is a Mk. IV Battle Cannon, typically found mounted in main battle tanks. Ammunition for this huge gun can be purchased from us in either the form of fragmentation shells, gas shells, HE shells, or confetti for you inevitable victory parade. On the other side is a Fujikoma Type 'A' Laser Cannon. Despite its stubby barrel, this little gun is a powerhouse capable of frying any** enemy vehicle. Unfortunately, this one cannot shoot confetti.
Unlike other mecha that surround the vehicle in cumbersome armor, we've only armored the front. Afterall, you're gonna use this thing to attack, and the only way you can attack is forward. Attacking in any other way is just retreat towards the enemy, and that may be good for other companies, but not Hadron Industries.
As you can see, the hatch has several armored viewports built into it. Now, we may not have put room for a pilot in here, but we like to think the tortured shell of a human mind that is an A.I. likes to see sunlight every now and then. Helps it keep from going too crazy.
Here at Hadron Industries we believe in big slabs of armor, not that wimpy shielding you see in other companies. We don't believe its safe until there's over an inch of thick, movement restricting metal protecting you from high speeds and mobility.
And unlike our competitors, our designs can take the enemy in stride. See that kinda punmanship from Anaheim Electronics? Didn't think so.
We're done here***.
*LEGAL NOTE: Hadron Industries reserves the right to refuse to offer a refund in the event that the buyer A)Is a moron who has improperly utilized our equipment B)Is annoying C)Is pushy in asking for a refund D)Is genuinely not responsible for the machine's failings and the blame can legally be placed at our feet E)A Non-Human F)A Human G)Is rich H)Is poor I)Is Conservative J)Is Liberal K)Has ever visited the planet Vogon L)Was once a member of a peaceful protest against the Military-Industrial Complex M)Is apart of the Military-Industrial Complex or N)Has aided and abetted or is affiliated with a Pro-Monkey organization. We may also refuse a refund if A)It is Wednesday B)It is an even-numbered day C)We're too busy gettin' down on Friday D)We just don't feel like E)We have found a way to effortlessly steal Hitler's wallet and feel ethically obligated to do so F)Have created Chocobos
**LEGAL NOTE: Hadron Industries is not responsible if the laser fails to fry an enemy vehicle. Any failures will be attributed to User Error and are not covered by the warranty
***LEGAL NOTE: The previous presentation was inspired by Cave Johnson of Portal 2.