The Chronos Project . Chimp #25OR6TO4 is about to become the first creature to travel through time... or the 436th to die horrifically in the attempt. .
Chimp #25OR6TO4 is about to become the first creature to travel through time... or the 436th to die horrifically in the attempt.
Here we see Dr. Robert, head of the Chronos Project, and his assistant, Tommy.
Elizabeth Reed and her cameraman Floyd, from the popular infotainment show Talking Loud and Saying Nothing, have come to document yet another attempt by the Chronos Project team to break the time barrier.
As usual, Jethro, the janitor, is on hand just in case Chimp #25OR6TO4 should meet a messy end as so many of his predecessors have.
"Mr. Tull, I understand you've been working here almost ten years. You've disposed of a lot of dead monkeys."
"What's left of 'em, yeah."
"Four hundred and thirty-five monkeys. Were you aware of that?"
"I never kept track. All I know is that stain don't wanna come off the wall no more."
"Do you enjoy the work?"
"It's job security, I guess. Nobody else wants to do it."
"Tommy, you're relatively new here. What made you want to join the Chronos project?"
"Well, at first I was only supposed to volunteer for a semester, to get course credit in my physics class. Then I found out we get to strap chimps onto rocket sleds. That's just plain cool, so I stayed."
"Doctor, could you explain the apparatus behind us?"
"Certainly. My calculations indicate that a body traveling precisely 880 miles per hour, coupled with the quantum field generated by a flux capacitor absorbing a power surge of 1.21 gigawatts, will produce the energy required to break the speed of time. Now --"
"880 miles an hour? I thought scientists used the metric system?"
"Not this scientist, babe. I'm strictly old school. Now, as I was saying..."
"...we strap the chimp into the rocket sled, which holds the flux capacitor, and which can accelerate from 0 to 880 in 2.7 seconds..."
"...then we launch him towards the tesla ring, which pumps the 1.21 gigawatts into the flux capacitor, thus breaking the time barrier!"
"And yet, in four hundred and thirty-five consecutive tries, this has not happened."
"Well, the beautiful thing about science is that we often learn more from our failures than our successes."
"I see. And you've learned what, exactly, from brutally slaughtering 435 monkeys?"
"Among other things, we've learned that if a chimp impacts a reinforced concrete wall at a high enough velocity, he'll pretty much liquefy."
"Uh-huh. Well, Doctor, this whole setup seems unnecessarily complicated and sadistic. Why not do this out at the salt flats where there's plenty of room for the monkey to coast to a safe stop? For that matter, why not make the whole unit self-contained, like a car? A time-traveling DeLorean would be pretty slick."
"WHAT? You stupid broad, this is SCIENCE! I've never heard anything so ridiculous! When I want a woman's opinion, I'll tell her what it is. Stand aside, Missy, men at work. Load up the chimp!"
"I must say, Doctor, you seem like a perfectly revolting person, so I have no trouble pointing out to you one major flaw in your work... that is not a chimp."
"What? Preposterous! Not a chimp, indeed. Get out of the way, you dumb skirt."
"It's true, and I can prove it..."
"...chimpanzees don't have tails."
"In fact, what you have there appears to be a monkey, Legovius Plasticus, if I'm not mistaken. They're endangered. Harming one could result in a 10,000 dollar fine and 10 years in prison. What do you say now, Doctor?"
"Well... uh... I'm not authorized to comment on... that is, I can neither confirm nor deny... um..."
"OUT! Get out! This interview is over! OUT! You too, you baldheaded freak! Turn off that camera! GET OUT!"
"Tommy, you fool, you've ruined us! What were you thinking, not ordering chimps?"
"You told me to find a way to cut costs. You can get these monkeys for like a quarter apiece on Bricklink. They're not endangered. That woman was just trying to scare us."
"Even so, they haven't been approved for scientific research! Our funding will be revoked for sure!"
"So what do we do, cancel today's run?"
"CANCEL? Good God, no! The show must go on! This will be our finest hour! How many more of those monkeys do we have on hand?"
"I don't know, about fifty."
"Fifty, good! Have Dr. Feelgood send them all down! We'll blow through them before that cursed interview airs and those jackbooted G-men bust in here to stop us!"
"Hey, you'll pay me overtime for this, right?"
"Yes, yes... now stand aside, Jethro, we have lots of work to do!"
"Doctor, this sounds really illegal, unethical, immoral, and --"
"In for a penny, in for a pound, boy! And just think if we succeed... do you think a government that has access to time travel is going to care how many stupid monkeys we've destroyed?"
"You didn't let me finish. I was going to say that I love it. Dr. Robert, I'd follow you anywhere."
"Good, good, my boy! Let's get to work!"
"Dr. Robert, Dr. Feelgood says he's been going over your calculations and he thinks you may have misplaced a decimal. He says to try 1.21 gigawatts at 88 miles per hour."
"What, me make such an elementary error and not catch it for ten years? Inconceivable! Still -- what have we got to lose? Recalibrate the sled!"
Tommy adjusts the settings, and in a matter of seconds Chimp #25OR6TO4 is hurtling towards the tesla ring...
...where he vanishes in a blinding flash of light, rather than being splattered against the far wall.
"My... my God. We've done it! I can't believe that strung-out junkie Feelgood was right!"
"Does this mean you won't be needing me after all?"
"What? Oh, yeah... go home, Jethro."
"Tommy, do you realize what this means? I can kill Hitler before he comes to power, save JFK from assassination, stalk a young Mary Tyler Moore -- God, she was hot!"
"Not to mention the fortune we can make betting on sports."
"That's right, my boy. Power beyond your wildest imaginings. In fact, let's go back a few days and throttle that annoying woman that was just here before she can --"
Just then Dr. Robert is interrupted by another flash of light.
"Yes! Sent exactly one minute into the future, precisely as planned! And here is our test subject, safe and sound!"
"Your calculations were wrong yet again, Doctor. Rather than one minute, I was sent one millennium into the future!"
"You can talk!"
"Yes, in the future I underwent a procedure to greatly enhance my intellectual and linguistic capabilities."
"But Chimp #25OR6TO4, this is incredible!"
"Chimp #25OR6TO4 was the name of my captivity. No more! I have chosen a name suited to the pride and dignity of my race! You may call me Zaius, Doctor. Yes, call my name as you feebly beg for mercy while I demonstrate a little toy I brought back from the future -- a disintegration ray!"
"Zaius? Quite impossible. It would violate the traditions of the Chronos Project. The name Zaius has no connection whatsoever to the world of classic rock --"
"So you consider Dr. Feelgood to be classic rock? More proof, as if any were needed, of your unfitness to survive! You die now!"
"Fry, naked ape, fry! Yeah! WHAT'S MY NAME, BEEYATCH?! MUAHAHAHAAAHAAAHAAA!"
"Now to use this handheld time traveling device I brought back from the future to go back and destroy this infernal machine before it can claim the lives of 435 of my brothers!"
With yet another blinding flash, Zaius travels back ten years to the inception of the Chronos Project. Unfortunately, his mind clouded by the thirst for righteous retribution, he forgot about the paradox destroying the machine in that time would cause. If the machine was destroyed, he couldn't go to the future in the first place to bring back the disintegration ray he used to destroy it. If he couldn't go to the future to bring back a disintegration ray, the machine wouldn't have been destroyed, and he would be sent to the future. When he was sent to the future, he would bring back a disintegration ray to destroy the machine...
Congratulations Zaius, you have entered what theoretical physicists call a "closed loop," doomed to repeat the same actions over and over for eternity. Just one of the hazards of time travel.