APMS OFFICER'S QUARTERS . At long last, the mighty return of "Completely Fullerschmidt" . Hello everyone, I’m your host Joe Fullerschmidt, and this is my show “Completely Fullerschmidt”. Today, we’re going to take our cameras inside the private quarters of the ranking officers of the famous (or is that infamous?) Apocalypse Proxy Mercenary Squad. High General Eustice Phipson, the team’s fearless (and very handsome) leader has authorized the crew of “Completely Fullerschmidt” to document the upper class living conditions (Well, for a merc squad they're upper class) of his trusted inner circle.
The General started the squad when he was only 3 years old while attending the “Promise Not to Tell” Daycare Center on Coruscant. You’ll remember the daycare was later the site of the infamous “Wanna see my lightsaber?” Jedi abuse scandal involving a visiting dignitary. (incidentally, the case was later settled out of court by Jedi legal defense, Master Danni Bru for an undisclosed amount).
Let's go meet the Team!
Here is the General’s second in command, Colonel Ryu Rannibo. Colonel Rannibo has been working with the General for about 17 years now and has yet to receive a birthday card from him. When asked what makes the Apocalypse Proxy Merc Squad so successful, the Colonel responded by saying “We have the best equipment, the best command staff and a total disregard for the safety of our soldiers.”
We were able to hack into the Colonel’s personnel file and found out his favorite movie is Priscilla Queen of the Desert which, coincidentally, is famous MOC Artist Shannon Ocean’s favorite film as well. Go figure…
Next we meet the only woman in the command staff, Major Francis Nora Kochlichter. There are some distinct advantages to being the only woman in the ranking officers, but they don’t come without some drawbacks.
1. It’s a veritable buffet table at one of the officers annual parties (she gave the "party" a name that I don’t quite remember… something about a piece of playground equipment or something... I don’t know.) The drawback is the six weeks sick leave taken afterwards for recovery. 2. Very little competition in the bikini contest. Although, Captain Mangold (who we’ll meet in a moment) is always a very close runner up. And 3. As soon as the squad segregates the locker rooms she won’t have to deal with the constant cheering and camera flashes every time she takes a shower.
Despite constant urging from the P.R. staff, she still insists on signing all official A.P.M.S documents with “Rank, first initial, middle initial, last name”. Needless to say, this has triggered a number of interstellar diplomatic incidents and at least one marriage proposal. Let’s move on.
Here’s Captain Tekhi Mangold. The Captain has been with the squad for 10 years, enjoys long walks on the beaches of Normandy and has anger management issues. He once beat a Spacedonald’s employee to death with a frozen Sp’muffin. At trial, Mangold stated that the kid "just wouldn’t stop hassling him." Upon review of the security footage, the kid could be heard asking Mangold if he wanted an apple pie with his order at which point…I’m sorry… it’s just too gruesome to describe.
Mangold was found to be socially dysfunctional and unfit to stand trial. Without any psych ward willing to accept responsibility for him, Mangold was placed in the custody of General Phipson where he has remained ever since.
First Lieutenant Nacen Ohanson was a pizza delivery boy until about a year and a half ago. Wanting to see the galaxy and have grand adventures, he joined up with the squad after his mom kicked him out of her basement.
“You’re 29! Go find a girlfriend already!” she would say. With nowhere else to go, he enlisted and has outlived all the other... I mean, dilegently worked his way up the command staff ladder.
Lt. Ohanson is seen here assisting Chief Medical Officer Dr. Ganshy Nognoun with enlisted soldier Selko Kram before his leg amputation. Private Kram came into the med bay with what he thought was a simple cold.
But Dr. Nognoun is a trained medical professional and knows what he is doing. The fact that Kram was seen with the Doctor’s wife last week has no bearing on this procedure whatsoever. We’re still not sure why the doctor decided to amputate rather than simply handing Kram a bottle of nyquil… the doctor has a power bone saw in his hand so we won’t bother him with silly questions right now.
This is the teams computer nerd…err, specialist Dow Neeber (Forth wall commentary - God, I’m just not trying anymore with these names am I).
Dow is well renowned for his ability to track over 200 ships, place the crews Chinese take out order, keep track of which Shannon is Ocean and which is Young and hack into Bryan H’s private stash of homemade up-skirt porn all at the same time. (We’d all prefer not to see Bryan in those skirts but to each his own…) Right now he’s busy programming a MOC bomb set to target crappy HALO mocs. Let’s hope this works…for all our sakes.
We’re so glad you could join us for this episode of The Holonet's nuber one investgative news show, “Completely Fullerschmidt”. I’m your host Joe Fullerschmidt. Thank you and as always, remember to have your Ewoks and Wookies spayed or neutered.