The Great Mediocro . But try to understand... Try to understand... Try, try, try to understand... he's a magic man . Come one, come all, see the Great Mediocro! One night only! Because there never seems to be any demand for him to do more than one show. In fact there are plenty of seats still available for this one...
"Thank you, thank you... Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Wow, you look like a great audience. Very well rested. Me, I just Apparated from Hogsmeade, and boy is my wand tired!... That's a Harry Potter joke, folks... Harry Potter, magic... I can slow down if you're not keeping up."
"You suck, Mediocro!"
"Thank you, thank you... ah, excellent, signs of life! For a moment I thought I'd been accidentally booked to perform at a wax museum!"
"Get to the magic tricks, you hack!"
"Excellent, that's the spirit! Always love an enthusiastic audience. All right, first let me prove to you that there's nothing up my sleeve..."
"And now I shall -- wait a moment -- my apologies ladies and gentlemen, but I simply can't work with this distraction. Could you come up here a moment, son? There appears to be something in your ear, reflecting the footlights right into my eyes -- aha!"
"Oh, come on! My uncle could do that one, and he was a raging alcoholic!"
"Really? Could he do... this? PRESTO, CHANGE-O!"
"I'm sure he could have, if he spent a few bucks at a magic shop."
"Oho, tough crowd. All right, let's skip to the big ones. As you can see there's nothing in my hat..."
"But -- HOCUS POCUS, ALAKAZAM! I pull a rabbit out of the hat!"
"What? That's clearly a rat!"
"Hey, cut me some slack, fella. Have you seen the size of Lego rabbits? They're almost as big as we are."
"Shouldn't be a problem for a real magician, if you ask me."
"But nobody asked you. Sir, with all your outbursts it's clear you are starved for attention. Perhaps you'd like to come up on stage and assist me with the grand finale -- being sawn in half?"
"Yeah, why not?"
"Um, Mediocro, don't you think you'd rather pick me to do that trick?"
"No I don't, Mary -- I mean, young lady whom I've never seen or spoken to before this moment -- I think our obnoxious friend will do just fine..."
"Not really, I --"
"Good, good! The trick is to stay calm, my friend, don't go all to pieces on me! Ha ha!"
"AAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHH!!! HE'S REALLY CUTTING ME! STOP HIM, HE'S A HOMICIDAL MANIAC!!! HEEEEELLLLLLP!!!"
"Nothing to fear, ladies and gentlemen, all part of the act! You see our friend is a natural! He has a true flair for the dramatic!"
"AAAAAAAAAAUUUUURRRRGGGGHHHH!!! SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME!!! I'M IN SO MUCH PAIN!!!"
"And we push the two halves apart -- voila! A perfectly executed illusion! Well done, my heckling friend, well done!"
"OH MY GOD! He's dead! Look at all the blood!"
"No no, merely the stage props of a highly skilled professional magician, madam!"
"I don't believe this! Somebody call the police!"
"Thank you ladies and gentlemen, you've been a terrific audience. Now if you will excuse me, for my next trick I'm going to disappear..."